Changes II
by milford
Summary: A direct sequel to Changes I. Life changes for Starsky and Hutch after Gunther's shooting. Chapter 24 is up. STORY COMPLETE. Thank you for your kind reviews.
1. Default Chapter

Changes II

By Milford

Don't own the characters unfortunately. Story is being written for entertainment purposes only and no profit is being made.

A direct sequel to Changes I. Life is full of changes for S&H after Gunther's shooting.

Chapter 1

Hutch

As I sat there, watching my partner sleep, I allowed the events of the day to catch up on me. It had certainly been an eventful day, and I'd learned a lot about the two most important people in my life. First, I'd found out something about my partner and best friend who was at that moment sleeping. Second, the woman I intended to marry--Louise, who was no doubt still furious with me, especially since I had chosen to visit Starsky instead of returning home. She was a problem that I'd have to sort out, but at that moment my only concern was for Starsky. She'd told me to get my priorities right. I don't know if they were right or not, but I was where I wanted and needed to be. I loved Louise, but she wasn't about to embark on a dangerous case and, as things turned out, it had been the right decision for me. Starsky and I had a long talk and a lot of things were clearer to me now.

To be honest, I'd been blown away by what he'd told me. It didn't surprise me that he was suffering from a lack of confidence, but his concern wasn't what I would have expected. His concern wasn't for getting shot again, although he'd told me somewhat ironically that he wasn't keen on that thought. He was far more worried that he'd get me killed. I have never had anyone love me as much as my volatile, strong-willed partner, and I could never wish for a better friend. However, I meant what I'd said to him; I'd always trusted him with my life and always would. I hadn't seen any hesitation with him on the streets. I knew we hadn't had to face any shootouts or fights, but my partner was back with me and I'd never doubted it. It worried me that he doubted it, and bothered me a lot that he'd kept it to himself for so long. I needed to talk more with him, as I didn't know how much Louise had to do with this. That was another subject I had to discuss with him.

I remembered the day he got his medical clearance to return to active duty. He'd seemed so delighted and relieved when he received the news, and I hadn't noticed any doubts in him at that time. I would have been surprised if he'd not suffered any doubts at all, but the magnitude of what he'd been thinking really threw me. But I'd kept things to myself, too. Until now, I'd never verbalized just how much he meant to me, or just how that day had changed my life forever. I'd just assumed, maybe hoped, that he knew what I was thinking. Most of the time he did. I'd never talked to him about my nightmares, about my fears of losing him. Instead, I'd taken refuge in joking and teasing, although never about the shooting. I could never joke about that. But I teased him and hoped we were back on track. However, it seemed I was wrong and I couldn't expect to get back on track when we were both hiding things from each other. I hadn't realized he was hiding things from me, but I knew I had my secrets from him. Secrecy had never worked for us before, and why I thought it would work now, I'll never know. I guess I just didn't want to talk about that terrible day when I thought I'd lost my best friend forever. I realized now that there were other ways to lose friends, and although I didn't think we were in any danger of drifting apart, I had woken up to the fact that we had to talk. To be more accurate, Starsky had woken me up by his announcement that he wanted to take this case in Las Vegas.

I could understand him feeling the need to prove himself, but I wasn't at all happy about how he wanted to achieve this. I knew I couldn't do it for him, but I could still be there--and would be there--as his back-up. Not because I had doubts about his ability, but because I trusted no one else to look out for him. There was no one else who would be prepared to lay down their life for him, but I would. I would do anything and everything to keep him safe. Louise had accused me of treating him like a child, but I didn't think I was. I was just doing what I'd been doing for the past ten years, being a partner to my partner, looking out for him. I just wished this case had nothing to do with cultists or Satanists. I could do without another round of different nightmares starting up, nightmares that saw my partner and best friend hanging by his wrists, dressed in a black robe, bruised and bleeding. The nightmares from the shooting were quite bad enough to deal with.

Louise. That had been another learning experience. I'd always assumed that she cared for Starsky. I guess it was unrealistic to expect her to care as much about him as I do, but I certainly expected her to want to help him through this difficult time. Instead of providing support, she was accusing me of overprotecting him. Perhaps I was; in fact, I couldn't really deny that. However, when you see your best friend die--realize that his heart actually stopped beating--it's more than a little difficult to let go. He'd been so weak and sick for such a long time, but he fought hard to come back. I'd always loved him, but never more than throughout this difficult time. He'd had his bad days and so had I, but he'd never given up. He was a fighter and Louise had been right when she said he was a tough, strong man, but he was also Starsky--my partner, my best friend, and it was hard to let go. Sometimes if you let something go, you can never get it back, and that scared me more than anything. I saw him looking so tired at times, and I could always tell when he'd had a bad night with nightmares. It made me both angry and sad to realize that he was trying to deal with this on his own. How could he shut me out now, after all we'd been through? Was it Louise's fault? Had she said something to him, or was he picking up on vibes that I hadn't noticed until now? I had little doubt of her true feelings after our argument that afternoon. She'd been upset because I wanted to find out what was going on with him and what this case was all about. I'd hoped she'd understand about Starsky, after all, she had been a nurse during his long hospital stay. Obviously, I'd been wrong and that was something we had to sort out.

I got up to make myself a cup of coffee. I wasn't happy about the case Starsky was taking on, although the fact that he'd agreed I could come to the briefing and to Las Vegas appeased me a little. Thankfully, getting that agreement had proven easier than I had expected. I shuddered at the thought of the case. Cultists, Satanists, possibly another Marcus situation. I hoped this wouldn't be as bad as it sounded, but I still had a feeling of dread that wouldn't diminish. I looked at the sleeping form, amazed again at how easily he could fall asleep, and stay asleep. If that had been me, I would have been awake like a shot if he'd got up to make coffee. He'd told me he was tired from another sleepless night, apparently having been worried about facing me today. I smiled at the thought. If it hadn't been for the seriousness of the situation, I would have teased him madly about it. Somehow I couldn't laugh about it--not yet--and the time for teasing had passed. We needed to deal with reality, and he needed to catch up on his sleep before facing the briefing in a few hours' time. I wasn't about to disturb him. I wondered whether I should call Louise, but I decided against it. I didn't want to get into another fight with her at this stage. Whatever was decided at the briefing, it seemed very unlikely that I'd travel to Vegas with Starsky. I'd be following closely behind, but we couldn't afford to risk being seen together. I hoped the Vegas PD wouldn't give us a hard time about this, but it didn't matter if they did. I was going to back Starsky up come what may. There were still a few things I wanted to talk to him about before the briefing, but I decided against waking him up. He needed his sleep, so I settled back with my coffee to wait


	2. Chapter Two

ChapTER 2

Starsky

I woke up to the smell of freshly brewed coffee and Hutch staring out the window. I'd fallen asleep on the sofa, and although I'd only slept for a couple of hours, I felt more relaxed and refreshed than I had for some time. I felt the comfort of Hutch's presence and it brought me a sense of peace that had been missing for awhile. I knew we still had some talking to do and, although I was still riddled with doubts about my job, I did feel back in sync with my partner. I was truly glad that he was insisting on being my back-up and would be attending the briefing.

"Hey, blintz! Whattya thinkin'?" I was surprised to see how he jumped. "Where were ya?"

"Starsk. Sorry, just thinking."

"Must be heavy stuff." I pulled myself up, intending to get myself a cup of coffee. Before I got too far, Hutch gave me another mug.

"Figured you'd be awake soon. Here you go." I took it gratefully and found myself watching him. He looked a little strained, until he grinned at me, then the signs of strain vanished.

"Wanna share?" I sensed that he still had things he wanted to talk to me about and I wasn't going to discourage him. It was more than high time that we laid the cards on the table for each other.

"Starsk, I need you to tell me something. I need you to tell me why you've been keeping all these doubts to yourself, why you haven't been calling me after nightmares..."

"Whoa! I thought you understood. I was a little worried, and I didn't really know how to explain this myself.

"I do understand what you've been thinking, but I don't remember you telling me why you hadn't mentioned this." He came to sit next to me. I looked into his eyes, which was a mistake. I could never hold out against that direct stare.

"Um, told ya, Hutch, you're gettin' married." I was uneasy about this and hoped we wouldn't have an argument at this point.

"Did Louise ever say anything to you?" We were on decidedly uneasy ground now.

"No, Hutch. Why would you think that?"

"She had some things to say to me today, accusing me of mothering you. I know for a fact that you don't call me when you have nightmares anymore, and as things seem to be the same between us, I can only assume that it's Louise's presence in my life that's stopped you. Then you throw all this at me, about your doubts. Doubts about being my partner-- My God, Starsk, you've kept a lot to yourself. We've never had secrets before and all of a sudden you have lots. I need to know if Louise has said anything to you. Please, Starsk!"

"You're gonna marry her, Hutch. It's only natural that she'd want you to herself. The answer is no --she didn't say anythin' to me, it's just kinda obvious, ya know?" I wasn't lying to him. Louise had never said anything to me outright, and I didn't think it fair to mention what was just my gut feelings on the matter and the possibility that she hadn't passed on phone messages from me.

"Promise me, Starsk?" I was startled that Hutch needed more reassurance and decided I should be totally honest with him. We didn't have time for games anymore.

"Okay, Hutch. Here it is. She never said anything to me, but I kinda get the feelin' sometimes that she'd prefer that I wasn't around. She's always a lot nicer to me when you're around; when you're not, she's quite cold. But, Hutch, this is just my feelin's. I could be wrong."

"There's something that you're not telling me." God, how did he do it? How did he see straight through me?

"You remember Huggy's birthday a couple of weeks ago? When I left early 'cause I could hardly keep my eyes open? The reason was I'd had a nightmare the night before and you guessed! Never know how ya do that blintz." I sighed. "You're upset with me for not callin' ya. Well, I had phoned ya, and Louise answered the phone. I kinda figured that she hadn't told ya...'specially when you didn't mention anything 'bout why you didn't come around." My voice trailed off at the expression on Hutch's face.

"Starsk! Why didn't you tell me?" I could see him thinking further.

"Why wasn't I there? I would've come by. I must have--oh blast, I remember! I had indigestion and went out to the drugstore to get some tablets. Why didn't she tell me you called? You know I would've been there..." I saw the look in his eyes and realized there was going to be a scene between Hutch and Louise. I'd figured she hadn't told him, but until this moment, I think I'd assumed it had been an oversight. I sighed. I hadn't wanted to ruin things for Hutch and hoped that things would work out. I couldn't blame her for loving Hutch, but she'd made a huge miscalculation if she'd decided to mess with our friendship. I loved him enough to give him space and time to be with her, but if she decided she wanted him all the time and tried to control him, then she was going to learn a hard lesson. The one positive thing I'd learned through the Gunther shooting and my long recovery was how much Hutch did love me. I'd always known this, but never felt it as strongly as I had as I fought back to recover my strength and my health. He never had to say it, his constant presence and unstinting patience during my irritability and depression more than proved it. The expression on his face now showed it, and I realized that Louise was going to get a shock.


	3. Chapter Three

CHAPTER 3

Hutch

I was appalled at what I'd just learned. Starsky had needed me to be there, had phoned me, but Louise hadn't bothered to tell me. She'd probably tell me she'd been worried about my indigestion, but that didn't cut any ice with me. She knew how much I cared about Starsky and how concerned I was about him still, and to me this was inexcusable. I remembered the night in question very well. We'd run out of indigestion pills and I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep without taking something. So I'd gone to the twenty-four-hour drugstore. It hadn't even been a bad case of indigestion, and I'd only gone to get tablets so I'd be able to get some sleep. I'd really have to talk to Louise, but it was nearly time to go to the precinct.

"Starsk. I would've been there..."

"Hey, blintz, I know that. It was probably just a misunderstanding." I looked at him and realized he didn't believe that any more than I did. I really was going to have to have a serious talk with Louise.

"Let's go." Starsky grabbed his jacket and, as he walked past me, I grabbed his arm.

"You do know what you mean to me, don't you, Starsk?"

His grin could have lit up the street. "Yeh, Hutch, I know. I feel the same, ya know?" and he pulled me into a hug. I held on for a couple of seconds after he tried to pull away.

"Just you remember that I trust you with my life, always." I felt his arms come around me again, and we remained like that for a few moments longer.

"Me and thee, eh?" his voice was muffled into my shoulder.

"Always. Now let's go listen to the Vegas boys." I finally pulled away, surprised at how emotional I was feeling. It was shared, for I could see that Starsky was moved, too. We didn't speak as we drove to the precinct, but it was a comfortable silence--both of us relaxed and totally at ease with each other. My tension level only started to mount as we got out of the Torino and made our way into the precinct.

The Las Vegas cops weren't pleased to see me, but I noticed Dobey was and he even spoke up for me, saying that I was Starsky's partner and had every right to be at the briefing. They didn't like it, but they weren't going to alienate Dobey. I exchanged a glance with Starsky as we sat down to hear all the gory details.

"Right. As you know we've been investigating a series of homicides. There were seven bodies found, now eight. All of the bodies have been young men from out of town, and six of them have stayed at the boarding house, the Hackney. It's a cheap, hostel-type accommodation in the center of Las Vegas. The owners don't have a record, but the fact that six of the bodies stayed there, gives us cause for concern. That, and the way they've been murdered." Rafferty laid down the photos of the bodies.

I looked at the photographs in horror. They were definitely worthy of a Marcus massacre. The bodies had been severely beaten and cut up. Their heads had been shaved, and two of the bodies were naked.

"There are signs of sexual assault on the two bodies that are naked, but the others were just beaten and cut up. They have one other thing in common." I waited, but wasn't sure I wanted to hear this. This was going to be worse than even I had anticipated. I couldn't look at Starsky, but I'd heard his gasp when he viewed the mangled bodies.

"The hair that had been shaved was left next to them and, was in all cases, black and curly. The victims had blue eyes..." I jumped up.

"That's why you want Starsky--he fits the description of the bodies!" I tried to hold on to my temper but it wasn't easy as I was also fighting panic, seeing Starsky lying there, cut up and dead. Surprisingly, Starsky was silent, as was Dobey.

"When he volunteered, we weren't unhappy. We do need to find out what's going on..." I couldn't let him finish.

"YOU WEREN'T UNHAPPY! I'm very glad about that! Did you tell him all this before he volunteered? Of course not! You don't want an undercover agent--you want to use him as BAIT! You want them to come after him! Well, I want to know first, why you think this is a cult and not just some sick nut. Not that it makes any difference to me. It's highly unsavory whatever it is! Secondly, and most importantly, what do you intend to do to protect him?" My panic was overwhelming me, and I only calmed down when I felt the familiar hand on my arm.

"Easy, Hutch. Let 'em finish, then we'll ask the questions, all right?" I looked at Starsky and saw that he was as shaken as I was. The bodies in the photos were gruesome sights. I calmed down, knowing that Starsky was right, but I didn't apologize and ignored the glares that the officers threw at me. Dobey was still looking noncommittal.

"If you've finished, Hutchinson," Rafferty continued, "we don't have proof it's a cult, but we do believe there's more than one person involved and there are a couple of reasons for that. It could be a sicko, or two, but there are some parallels to a series of murders that happened here in LA about five years ago. Murders that were carried out by Simon Marcus. Also, if you look at the bodies, they all have Satanic symbols tattooed on their chests." My heart froze at that name, and I didn't have to look at Starsky to see his reaction.

"There are differences and we know that Marcus is dead and his main cohorts, are still in custody. We also know..." he waved me silent, "that there are differences in the murders. Doesn't matter--we've gotta get whoever is doing this off the streets and we need to plant someone in the boarding house. I also believe that Starsky has some experience with cults..."

I guess I took Rafferty by surprise when I jumped up and grabbed him, throwing him up against the wall, totally ignoring Starsky and Dobey trying to pull me off him.

"YOU LISTEN HERE, YOU LOUSY SON OF A BITCH! MY PARTNER DOES NOT HAVE EXPERIENCE WITH CULTS! HE WAS ABDUCTED BY THOSE ANIMALS AND TORTURED!"

"Hutch, calm down, please..." I heard Starsky's voice pleading with me to calm down. They managed to pull me off him, but I couldn't contain my rage.

"DID YOU BOTHER TO CHECK YOUR FACTS? OR DOES MY PARTNER'S APPEARANCE AND SO-CALLED EXPERIENCE, MEAN THAT YOU DON'T NEED TO? DID YOU BOTHER TO READ WHAT HE'S GONE THROUGH AT THE HANDS OF MARCUS' FREAKS?"

"Look, Hutchinson, I didn't mean anything by that. I just meant that he'd had dealings with cultists before and..." Finally he got the message and shut up.

"CALM DOWN!" Dobey decided it was time to regain control. Before I could grab at the creep again, I felt Starsky's hands holding me back as Dobey spoke.

"I don't like this, Rafferty. You didn't tell me a quarter of this when you called me, and I can't help but wonder why." He glared at Rafferty, who was getting the full force of my barely controlled rage and Dobey's more controlled anger. Only Starsky had remained uncharacteristically silent and I vaguely wondered what was going through his mind.

"Before I make any further comment on this ridiculous situation, I want to know what your plans are to back Starsky up. You obviously want him to go in as a guest to this boarding house, but you can't just plant him as bait and leave him!" Dobey was far from happy with how the briefing was proceeding and wanted a lot more details before he'd sanction one of his officers going undercover. Especially one who had a partner who was barely in control.

"We've got a man in there already," Rafferty explained. "He's been appointed as a janitor. Your man won't ever be on his own. But we need someone in as a guest and, like it or not, your man does fit the profile of the victims. Having said that, it is obviously a very dangerous cover and if Starsky doesn't want to take it, then we'll accept that. It's up to him." I looked at Starsky, as did the others, but my heart was already sinking. I knew my partner and I knew he wouldn't say no, despite the high risk, and I wasn't going to be able to stop him. I couldn't help the pleading glare that I fixed on him. This was so much worse than what I'd expected, and I hadn't expected much.


	4. Chapter Four

CHAPTER 4

Starsky

I felt all eyes on me, but none were boring into me with the force of my partner's glare. I could feel him pleading with me not to take the case, but how was I supposed to turn it down? The bodies were gruesome and I certainly didn't hanker after another Marcus ordeal; in fact, I felt quite sick at the thought. The problem with dealing with lunatics was that there was no way to predict what they were going to do, or to have a proper back-up for protection. In a large way, I was going into this on my own. But wasn't that what I wanted? A chance to prove to myself that I was still a cop and could function properly. I groaned inwardly, this case would be giving me the creeps anyway, even before Gunther's shooting. Now my confidence was pretty shaky. Oh, God, what could I do? Would Hutch understand? I had to go. I took a deep breath and braced myself before speaking.. I'd never felt as trapped as I did at that moment.

"Okay, I guess I'll do it." God, this was going to be hard. I'd just glimpsed Hutch's face.

"But Hutch has gotta come with me. What about him checkin' into the boarding house, too? It won't seem odd if we check in at separate times." I was rewarded by the slight relief that I could see in Hutch's eyes.

"Out of the question..."

I reached Hutch before he could grab Rafferty again. I figured Rafferty's tolerance of being pushed into a wall would just about be gone. Under other circumstances, I would have been amused by Hutch's behavior, as I was the one who was considered the hotheaded half of our partnership. Normally I was, but Hutch more than held his own when he considered I was at risk. I was both honored and frightened by the depth of his love for me. I hoped that I was worthy of it and wouldn't let him down. I was no longer sure I could hold up my end.

"Hutch has gotta be there. We're partners and we work together--always."

"You didn't mention this before." I could see Rafferty was annoyed with me, but it was nothing compared to the anger I felt emanating from my partner. At least he was letting me speak for myself, although I suspected he was preparing to jump in at any time.

"There was a lot you didn't tell me." I was determined to win this point and that Hutch would be there with me. "Look, this is a really bad business, but I've said that I'll do it. Hutch is my partner and I want him nearby as back-up. That's my one condition." I didn't need to look at Hutch to realize he was relaxing just marginally at this.

"I think it's too risky for him to be in the boarding house with you, but there is a bar up the road. He could probably get a job pouring drinks. That way you'll be close enough. But you definitely can't travel to Las Vegas together. We'll sort something out. Now here's your cover and you make sure you read up on it tonight. You'll be hitchhiking tomorrow morning..." Rafferty looked at me as he spoke, and I realized that we'd won that battle.

"HITCHHIKING?" Hutch's voice rose. It was obvious he was about to lose control again.

"Yes! Hitchhiking, but we're supplying the driver. It's better that you don't arrive on a plane. The driver will be in a truck, details of which are in the file. Hutchinson, we'll get you over there in a few days. We don't know who's involved in this business or who'll be watching. We can't risk anything going wrong."

With that, the briefing was over. After Rafferty and Hanson left the room with Dobey, I turned to look at Hutch.

"It's insane, Starsk," he said to me. "This whole idea is insane. You're gonna be bait for some psycho nuts who don't like dark-haired, blue-eyed men!"

"Hutch, I don't like it either. Do ya really think I want to go through another Marcus nightmare? I don't want to, but I gotta do this."

I could see Hutch was fighting for control.

"I know you want to prove something, but for God's sake, Starsk! Look what state the bodies were in."

I shuddered involuntarily. I didn't need to be reminded of the gruesome sights.

"Only two of 'em were sexually assaulted." I tried to make light of it, make it sound better than it was. I wasn't doing a very good job judging by Hutch's face. I tried another approach.

"I'll be okay. I mean, what's gonna happen to me? You're gonna be there to watch out for me, ain't ya? At least you'll be up the road" I sighed. I couldn't help but feel relief at the knowledge that Hutch would be close by.

"Starsk. You know I'll do everything I can to keep you safe, but these are lunatics. Can't always predict what they're gonna do!" As this was very close to what I'd already been thinking, I couldn't comment.

"If something happened to you..." I could see Hutch was having difficulty keeping calm.

"Nothin's gonna happen to me, blintz." I moved over to where he was standing and touched his arm.

"You hear me?" I wasn't sure I was getting through to my stubborn and frightened partner, but I continued on. "Nothin' is gonna happen. Now we'd better get goin' so that I can read the files. We'll go back to my place and then you'd better get home. I don't think Louise is gonna be too pleased about this." I figured this was probably an understatement, but I had to get things moving. Apart from the fact that I had only that night to get myself ready, I was finding it difficult to resist Hutch's fear. If this kept up, I'd be turning down the case. I couldn't do that, not even for Hutch. Or should I say, especially for Hutch. I wasn't sure.

I decided to try to talk to him about Louise. I did want Hutch to be happy. Even if I didn't particularly like his choice of a wife, I liked the idea of him being married and having kids. Especially as I didn't see much prospect of that happening for me. I knew Terry would have still loved me, but I wasn't prepared to risk being rejected by anyone else. Suddenly I wanted to talk to Hutch about it, but the time wasn't right. Anyway it sounded stupid, telling Hutch I was too scared to date girls. I'd had opportunities, particularly since I'd returned to work and started circulating in the real world again, but somehow I couldn't face it. I wasn't even sure that I could really admit this to Hutch and the timing was off now. I couldn't do it yet. Maybe I should just forget it. We had to concentrate on the job at hand. The job that could possibly bring me into contact with more lunatics like Marcus. I tried to put the thought of the dead and mutilated bodies out of my mind.


	5. Chapter Five

CHAPTER 5

Hutch

As we drove back to Starsky's place, I glanced over at him. He'd been very quiet since we'd left the precinct and I could see he was deep in thought. He turned to look at me briefly and grinned slowly. I guess I grinned back but it was an effort. The thought of what he was putting himself in for scared the hell out of me. The thought of losing him scared the hell out of me. Was it worth it? The enormous risk that he was insisting on taking? I didn't think so, but I knew I couldn't resist him on this. It was important to him, so I'd just have to make sure I was there to protect him.

"Are ya gonna go home?" I was surprised at the question. "Ya know, see Louise?"

"Not yet. We're gonna read the file and get this sorted. I'll go back later. Guess I should give her a call from your place." I was reluctant to start anything with her, but realized I really should call. How I wish I could start the day again. Everything seemed to be going wrong all of a sudden, and I still couldn't believe Louise's attitude.

I looked at the quick frown that appeared on Starsky's face. What was he thinking?

"Listen, Starsk, I don't want you to be worried about me and Louise. If it's meant to work out, then it will. If not..." I tried to shrug nonchalantly. I never could fool Starsky properly, but I was surprised at his reaction, which occurred as we got out of the Torino at his place. He turned to grab me and stared closely at me.

"You listen to me, Hutch. Don't you go blowin' anythin' with Louise just 'cause she don't like me! You deserve all the happiness in the world and you'd be a great dad, ya know! I figure one of us ought to..."

I was stunned and grabbed hold of him.

"You get this, partner! She's gotta realize that we're partners, and if she can't accept that, then how can I make it work? I've got one lousy marriage behind me and I don't want another one! Whatever happens, Starsk, you're not to worry about it!"

"Just promise me, Hutch, promise that you'll try to work it out with her." I looked at the anxiety in my best friend's face. I sensed I was missing something, that I wasn't picking up on what he was really telling me, but my mind was still reeling from what the day had brought me and I wasn't in the best frame of mind to sort out puzzles.

"Starsk..."

"Look, I know how much you value our friendship and partnership but, that's not all there is to this world. You deserve a family..."

"Starsk, I've got a family--me and thee--if I remember correctly!" I was confused, not sure whether we were communicating properly even now. "I'm not gonna make any rash decisions but, Starsk, I'm not gonna get married for the sake of it. Whatever happens, you and me are partners forever. Just you remember that." Starsky gave up; I saw a look of resignation flash across his face as he shrugged. He must have realized that we didn't have enough time to mess around. We went into his apartment. Why did I feel I was still missing the point?

"I'll get us some beer and you call Louise." He left me to make my phone call .I was still uneasy about Starsky, but I knew I had to concentrate on my phone call to Louise first.

"Hello," her voice sounded cold.

"Hey, it's me. I'm at Starsky's..."

A moment of silence greeted me. "Surprise, surprise. Are you going to come home after you've tucked him in for the night?"

I held my temper with difficulty. "I'll be home later. We've got some stuff to sort out; he's gonna take the case in Las Vegas." I tried to be as pleasant as I could.

"I see. How long do you think you'll be?" the voice was expressionless.

"As long as it takes, Louise! Then we'll talk."

"Oh yes, Ken, we will talk. Are you planning on going with him?"

I didn't want to lie to her, but now wasn't the time to get into it.

"We'll talk when I get home, Louise." She hung up on me.

Starsky came back carrying two beers and threw me a can.

"How'd it go?"

I shrugged. "So-so. Fireworks tonight I guess, but I'll deal with it. Let's read the files. I need to know what you're gonna be up to. Remember--you've gotta promise me not to worry about this."

Starsky sat down next to me and grinned weakly. "Best friends don't have to promise."

I was thrown by the reference to Terry. She and Starsky had used the phrase many times, up to the terrible week she'd died. I'd seen him nearly destroyed by her death, but somehow he'd survived it. My tough, stubborn partner certainly had more than his fair share of blows in this life. How I wished I could protect him from these hurts. I realized again just how well Terry had fit in with our unusual lifestyle, and had to fight back a sudden surge of grief for the loss of a good friend. It still snuck up on me, even after all these years. God knows what it did to Starsky. As usual, Starsky picked up on my mood and squeezed my hand.

"Louise might not be Terry or Gillian, but she could still make you happy if you give her a chance." Starsky was determined to be fair and wanted me to be happy, but I couldn't accept what he was saying now.

"Not if she tries to mess with our friendship, Starsk. I could never be happy without that."

"You and me will always be friends, blintz. Nothin' can change that, and I guess I've just started to believe in that again." He looked directly at me. "You remember, too. Always. I won't ask ya to promise..." There were a few minutes of silence as we contemplated what we'd just said.

I could see the concern in his eyes, but I didn't know what to say. Yes, I loved Louise, but I wasn't about to rush home to her to sort things out. Not on the eve of my partner and best friend leaving to take on a dangerous assignment. If she couldn't see that, then I had to face it--we had problems. I wasn't yet ready to face them. No matter what he said, I couldn't be happy with a woman who couldn't accept my partner and best friend in my life, and I had the very serious issue of her not telling me when Starsky called. Whatever happened, we would be bound to argue over that issue, especially as I wasn't prepared to let it go.

It was time to move on. We started reading the files.


	6. Chapter Six

CHAPTER 6

Starsky

As I read the file, I kept glancing at the blond head bent over the papers. There was so much I wanted to say to him, but I knew I wouldn't. I'd never liked soapy scenes, and we'd come close to them during the day. I'd surprised myself by quoting Terry. It wasn't as if I pretended she'd never existed, but I didn't make a habit of talking about her, not even to Hutch. She was locked in my heart forever. I still felt so guilty over her death, for she'd died as a direct result of loving me. I found myself losing interest in the papers as I pictured her in front of me, smiling at me sweetly. God, how I had loved her. I imagined her holding me and telling me how much she loved me, the scars made no difference to her, and that I was still her Dave. I knew that was true, just as I knew Hutch still loved me.

My problem was how to shake the doubts and insecurities that were now plaguing me and how to get on with life. My doubts seemed to be increasing as time went on. Hutch thought I was tough and stubborn, and I was. I'd survived many ordeals that should have killed me. Marcus, Bellamy's poison, getting shot in a restaurant. It was just harder to bounce back from this one. The fact was that I'd died, my heart had stopped beating.

The long days of pain and agony during my recovery had seen me crawl back to what should be a normal life. I guess I'd fought so hard to regain my strength, I'd not stopped to consider how I'd feel when I was back on the streets. I certainly hadn't been plagued with self-doubts during the difficult times, but it seemed that I'd won that battle only to come face-to-face with another one. I couldn't just get on with things--not without Hutch--but I didn't trust myself with him. I wasn't the same man I'd been, and I was struggling to find who I was.

Hutch had helped me through Terry's death, had also helped me through what was, in fact, my own death. Now I had to learn to live again. The thought of Terry moved me to tears, and I had to blink back the sudden moisture in my eyes as I realized Hutch was watching me. He didn't say a word, but just put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me back into the comfort of his touch. I let myself rest on him for a few moments before I pulled myself together.

"Right, blintz. We've got some reading to do."

The instructions were clear enough. My cover was Len Green and I was a drifter looking for work. It seemed the other victims were all drifters, six of them who'd had the misfortune of ending up at the Hackney Boarding House. The other two men didn't seem connected to the boarding house, but they'd been killed in nearly the same way--the brutality of the beatings and the stabbings, along with the peculiar symbols that had been carved into their chests. The main difference, other than not being linked to the hostel, was that these two had been sexually assaulted. All bodies had been found naked, with their heads shaved. The fact was that Hutch had been right, the Vegas boys wanted bait and I was it. There wasn't much else to go on. I stole another glance at my partner and realized there were still things I needed to say to him. I'd just have to save them for the end of the case. If it went well, then we'd be out celebrating my return, and if it didn't, then I'd have to say things to him before walking away from our partnership forever.

I was due to catch up with my ride at nine am on the outskirts of town. There wasn't much else to read and I realized that Hutch was delaying leaving.

"Hey, Hutch, you got a pretty lady to go home to. Why don't ya head off? I guess I'll see you in some seedy bar in Vegas in the next few days."

Hutch stood up. "You trying to get rid of me?"

"Never, blintz." I looked directly at him, so he could see the truth in my words. "But I've gotta get some sleep and you've gotta talk to Louise. I'll see ya when I see ya."

Hutch looked at me. I could see he was puzzled by something, but I was feeling pretty wrung out by then and hoped he wouldn't push. I'd done what I could by talking to him about Louise, and I prayed he wouldn't blow it with her. I wish I could do more, but I realized we were both at the end of our tethers. Maybe he picked up on my mood, for he didn't challenge me. He pulled me into a bear hug and I relaxed on him. I realized just how much I was going to miss him. This was the worst aspect of undercover work at the best of times, and this wasn't the best of times for either of us.

"See ya." Anyone who saw his rapid exit would have assumed that he was glad to get away from me, but he didn't fool me. He knew if he didn't just leave, he wouldn't let me go. Those who thought Hutch was cold and standoffish, would never realize just how warm-hearted he was to those he chose to love. I was fortunate to be among the few, and I'd never loved him more as I watched him run away from me, to his beat-up excuse for a car.

To my surprise I did manage to get a good night's sleep, probably because everything was out in the open now. Hutch knew about my assignment and, although I didn't actually have his blessing, he wasn't going to try to stop me. I was glad everything--well, most things--were out in the open now and I could concentrate on the job at hand. Being bait to some Marcus-type lunatic wasn't going to be much of a job, but I figured it was going to test me to my limits and at least Hutch was going to be close by.

...

The morning was clear and sunny. As I picked up my duffel bag and locked my apartment, I looked around the street, wondering how long it would be before I got back there.

The pick-up went smoothly, and before I knew it I was heading to Las Vegas. The driver worked in the uniform division, but he'd been chosen for this job because he had his truck driver's license. He was a pleasant enough sort, but I found myself missing Hutch's quiet companionship and understanding.

"I saw the body of the last victim and it weren't a pretty sight! Why are you doin' this? I always figured that working as a detective would mean you didn't have to pick up these sleazy jobs!"

God, he was young. Had I ever been that young?

"You're wrong, Mitch. Being a detective doesn't make the slightest difference. You still get crappy jobs." We chatted a bit more, but he seemed to realize at last that I didn't want to talk.

"Have a coffee, Star...er, Len. Got some in the thermos."

"Thanks." I was grateful for a warm drink and asked if he wanted to stop for a drink.

"Nah, we'll keep going and I'll stop later for lunch. It's been a few years since I've driven a truck, but I think we'll get to the city around three this afternoon."

"Great. The sooner we get there, the sooner I'll be bait for some psycho nuts." Mitch finally lapsed into silence, leaving me to ponder my gloomy thoughts.


	7. Chapter Seven

CHAPTER 7

Hutch

I made a very quick exit from Starsky's place, not trusting myself to stay any longer. I drove away but pulled up just around the corner, needing some time to think. Everything had happened so fast that I hadn't had a chance to absorb everything I needed to. I needed some space before facing Louise. What the hell was I going to do? I remembered Huggy's birthday and how tired Starsky had been, and I felt the rage building up inside me again. She hadn't told me that Starsky had called, and I was going to face her on that crime at least. I started up the car and drove home with a purpose.

"Hello, Ken." I was surprised to find that she came up to me and put her arms around me, but I pushed her away.

"Louise, we've gotta talk!"

I watched her mouth tighten as she realized I was serious and not very happy with her.

"I know, Ken, and I've been thinking about our argument. It was so stupid...we shouldn't fight over your friend. He's not worth it..." she stopped when she saw my face.

"Louise, let's get one thing straight! He is worth it--he's my best friend and my partner. I love him like he was my brother, and if you can't accept that, then you'd better work out just what is important to you."

Louise looked stunned. "You'd choose him over me?"

"I shouldn't have to choose, Louise! I don't want to have to pick between you and him. It's ridiculous, since I love you both in different ways. However, I will NOT have you decide for me who should be my friend, or tell me I shouldn't be there when a friend needs me. I wouldn't dream of doing that to you, and I expect the same courtesy from you." I could feel my rage building up as I saw her stunned expression. "For God's sake, you're a nurse, you know what he went through with the shooting! You know how I love him. You said that's what got your attention in the first place, how much I loved my partner. You saw what his near death did to me and yet you expect me to hold back now?"

"YES!" She shouted. I could see she was getting angry now, but I was beyond caring. We had to sort this out.

"I did notice how much you cared about him and my heart went out to both of you, but I never guessed that I'd have to share you with him. Ken, we're going to be married in three weeks and we're trying to build a life together. I do NOT want to have a third person in our marriage, and I think you should ask yourself if you would allow me to go around tucking my best friend in bed. Or whether you'd be thrilled at the prospect of me going out of town three weeks prior to our marriage. I'd say the answer would be NO! All I'm asking is you show me that I am important to you. Just once."

"I guess you don't know me that well, after all, because I would NEVER try to keep you from being with a friend who needed you. EVER! As for sharing me with him, you don't want to share, you want me all to yourself, and I don't work that way. Starsky has seen me through some real tough times, and has always been there for me. I want to--and intend to--do the same for him. This is a really difficult time for him and I'm gonna be there for him. I'm sorry, Louise, but that's the way it is."

"The really stupid thing about this argument is that he'd be a great friend to you, too, if you gave him the chance. He is a terrific person, and if you weren't so blinded by jealousy, you'd see that. He has a big and forgiving heart and is one of the kindest people I've ever met. But he's hurting at the moment and is suffering some sort of confidence crisis. I AM going to be there for him, like it or not. Which brings me to another point. He called me a few weeks ago and wanted to talk to me. WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME!" I knew I was shouting, but all I could see was the tiredness in Starsky's face, and the knowledge that he'd needed me and I hadn't been there was more than I could bear.

"Because you had indigestion and the last thing you needed was to go traipsing over to his place. He's a big boy..." she stopped, probably my expression warned her not to go on. After an interminable time, she came up to me and put her hands on my arm.

"Ken, I'm sorry. I've just never had the sort of friendship you share with Starsky. My loss, I guess. I just love you so much that I want to be with you all the time...I'm sorry that I didn't tell you he called. I promise it will never happen again."

I remained silent, unsure of how to proceed with this. I was still furiously angry with her, but my emotions were overwhelming at that time and I didn't know where to turn.

"Ken, please forgive me. Blame it on pre-wedding nerves if you like. Panic at the thought of you not being here with me." She moved into my arms and started to kiss me. I was still angry, but I needed the comfort she offered and I found myself responding to her as our kiss deepened. We separated slightly so we could move toward the bedroom. I wasn't convinced that our problems were solved, but I was just so tired and wanted to be comforted, and the arms around me and the warm body pressing against mine, promised me at least a reprieve from the stormy day that I'd just endured. We made our way into the bedroom.


	8. Chapter Eight

CHAPTER 8

Starsky

We arrived on schedule, and I found my way to the Hackney Boarding House. It was everything I'd expected--sleazy and run down. It was to be my home until I was caught by the nuts, or the case broke open. I thought back to the last time I'd been in Las Vegas. I'd been with Hutch, of course, and we'd been here to see Hutch's old school friend, Jack Mitchell, die. I remembered Vicki, the show girl that I'd got friendly with, and smiled at the thought. She'd been a knock-out and a very nice person, too, with a little daughter who'd had a problem walking. Hopefully, the winnings we'd sent her would have paid for the operation the little girl had needed. It had been an interesting experience in Vegas. I wondered about Vicki and whether I could or should look her up, but I decided against it. Some things were best left in the past and I was undercover. If she was still working at the same place, other people might remember me and I couldn't risk that.

There weren't many guests at the boarding house, although in view of its notoriety, I shouldn't have been surprised. There was a sullen looking woman at the front desk who had a cigarette hanging out of her mouth. I made my way to my room and was dismayed at the sight of the stains on the walls. God only knew what they were. I knew I had to make my presence known, so after dropping off my bag, I went downstairs again. I wasn't sure who my contact was, and Rafferty had told me that contact would be made. My thoughts were disturbed by the sound of a woman screaming, and I raced out to the back of the building. Lying in a pool of blood, was a man in his thirties who'd been stabbed in the chest. The woman who'd been at the front desk when I arrived was just standing and staring at the body, with her hands over her mouth looking horrified. Before I could move or say anything, I felt a crack on the back of my head, and as I stumbled forward, I felt another blow and then there was darkness.

Hutch

Louise seemed determined to make it up to me, and I woke up the next morning to the smell of freshly brewed coffee and toast. She smiled at me as she brought it over to me.

"Here you are, darling. I hope you've forgiven me." She leaned over and kissed me. To be honest, I wasn't sure if I had forgiven her or not, but last night had brought me some measure of comfort. I wasn't sure if we'd sorted out anything, but it would be churlish for me to not respond to her attempts at peace making. Once Starsky was back and this horrible case was over, I'd look at the situation again. I put the thought out of my mind that I was getting married in three week's time.

"Louise, I've gotta tell you that I am going to Las Vegas in a couple of days. Just as soon as Starsky has had time to settle in."

Apart from her mouth tightening, there was no indication of what she was thinking.

"I realize that you're going to go, Ken, but I don't have to like it. You do what you have to do and I'll be here waiting, but just you make sure that you're back for our wedding." She moved back into my arms and suddenly breakfast was forgotten. It was Sunday and under different circumstances, I would have been very happy indeed. Louise certainly knew how to make me feel good, but I couldn't rid myself of a nagging worry in the back of my mind. Not everything was right in my world, not by a long shot.

We spent a long and lazy morning in bed and even when we finally did get up, spent a pleasant time in my apartment. Louise kept changing the subject when I tried to discuss Starsky, so I gave up and decided just to enjoy the day as best I could. A look at the time showed that he should just about be in Las Vegas. I wished I could believe he'd call, but I knew he wouldn't risk it. At least there was another officer undercover in the boarding house, so he wasn't on his own. I was a bit peeved that I hadn't heard from the Vegas officers again concerning my trip there, so I decided I'd call Dobey. Before I could pick up the phone, it rang.

"Hutchinson! It's Dobey. We've gotta talk."

"What's up? What's happened?" I felt my heart grow cold. Surely not yet, please, God, don't let anything happen to Starsk!

"Rafferty told me that he's thought about your cover and decided they're not gonna get you over there..." Hutch couldn't believe what Dobey was telling him.

"What?!" I was speechless with rage. "Where the hell do they get off changing their minds?"

"Hutchinson! Calm down."

"No, I will not calm down! My partner is in Vegas, expecting me to be there and now they're not going to get me over there? Well damn them! I'm going anyway. I'm on leave as of now and will be on the next plane to Vegas!"

"Hutchinson, please calm down! I KNOW! You're booked on the six pm flight tonight. I made the reservation myself. But you've gotta know that you're on your own. They are not sanctioning this, so you be careful."

I took a deep breath, knowing the position our captain was in, and feeling thankful once again for his support and friendship.

"Thanks, Cap'n."

"You can thank me by not getting into any trouble and keeping an eye on that partner of yours." His gruff manner didn't deceive me in the least. Gruff he was, but he was also the best captain that we could wish for--a good man and a good friend.

"That's a deal!" I replaced the phone and turned to look at Louise.

"I'm going to Las Vegas tonight. I'm sorry, but the wheels have sort of fallen off." Her silence worried me, but I chose to ignore it as I went to pack my bag. I didn't have much time if I was to catch the flight.

"Ken, you know I truly hope that Starsky is okay. I'm trying to be real understanding here, but you'd better be back here at least a week before our wedding, regardless of Starsky's assignment."

I looked at her as I continued to pack. She'd given me an ultimatum, but I was still more concerned about Starsky. First things first.


	9. Chapter Nine

CHAPTER 9

Starsky

I woke up to a dull, throbbing headache, uncertain as to what had happened. I found I was lying on a hard surface and was bound, blindfolded and gagged. I wriggled experimentally but it was no use, I wasn't going to be able to work the ropes loose. I stiffened as I heard footsteps approaching, and hands grabbing me and pulling me up.

"I'm sorry about that, Detective Starsky. You're not meant to get hurt, and if you don't cause any trouble, you won't be." I was confused, it didn't seem likely that the cultists would be telling me not to worry about being hurt, and my captor obviously knew me. What the hell was going on? But apart from being shifted so that I was in a more comfortable position, I was left alone to wonder. I lost all track of time and found myself thinking about Hutch and how frantic he would be. God, please let me see Hutch again. I don't want to die without seeing him, without telling him everything that is in my heart. He needs to know and I need him to know how much I love him, and how truly grateful I am to have been blessed with his friendship. Not many people had the sort of friendship we had, and I suddenly wanted him to know that I appreciated this.

"Well, well, how the mighty have fallen!" A loud voice interrupted my thoughts. I tried to wriggle away from the taunting voice but was kicked in the side.

"Keep still, Starsky!" I realized again, that this captor knew me.

"Don't want to hurt you yet, not until your ever faithful, but very arrogant, partner turns up, and I have no doubt he will. I know how he values you, Starsky. Never could see why, but I guess it doesn't matter any more."

I went cold. Somehow I'd fallen into a trap for Hutch, and I knew there was no force on earth strong enough to keep him from coming after me. I knew this without a doubt, for I knew I would feel the same if the situation were reversed. I think I would have preferred to take my chances with the cultists; the thought of Hutch getting hurt or worse because of me was not something I could deal with easily.

"In case you're wondering what's going on, I'm a friend of Ben Forest. You may, or may not know, that he died a few months ago and his last request was that I fix Detective Hutchinson for good. Careful observation showed the best way to get him was through you and when we found out about you coming to Las Vegas, I knew it was too good an opportunity to pass up."

Another voice piped up, as I listened in horror. Hutch was the intended target, and I was the bait to lure him into the trap.

"Why are you tellin' him this? We're not gonna kill him. You said it was Hutchinson only, and I don't mind killin' him because he was responsible for gettin' in Mr. Forest's way, but I don't wanna kill anyone else. Especially another cop!"

"SHUT UP! You'll do as you're told. Besides, I don't think this one will be much use without his partner. I suppose, Detective Starsky, you're wondering about how we knew you'd be here. It was quite simple really, and I don't see any harm in you knowing." I knew then that he did plan to kill me, but the fear of what he was going to do to Hutch far outweighed my own personal fear. If Hutch was killed, I'd be as good as dead anyway.

"Do you remember Lieutenant Ted Cameron? He certainly remembers you and he's been assisting Mr. Forest for several years now. He arranged for you to come to Las Vegas. It was a happy coincidence that you fit the profile of the murder victims. We might even kill you like that after Hutchinson is dead, so that it looks like you were a victim of the cultists. Who knows, it might be fun." I shivered, more at the words 'when Hutchinson is dead,' than at the threat of a horrible death for myself.

"Now you just lie back and relax, Starsky, and wait for your partner to arrive. We're gonna arrange for a welcoming party for him on his arrival in Vegas."

"Hey, just got a call from Cameron!" I heard the sound of running feet before the voice interrupted. "Oh, sorry..."

"Forget it, Dawson. He ain't going anywhere. What's up?"

"Hutchinson ain't comin' to Vegas! The cops decided they didn't want him here, after all." I relaxed only marginally. I doubted that anything would stop Hutch, especially when he discovered I was missing and heard about the murder in the boarding house.

"What? Of course he's comin'. Soon as he finds out his precious partner is missing and... Wait! I've got an idea that might just hurry him up. What's happening with the body at the Hackney?" The footsteps walked away and I was left in peace, worrying myself into a frenzy about what the plan could be to hurry Hutch up. I knew Hutch would come after me, it was a sure thing. I groaned into the gag. I was stiff and sore and terrified for my partner.


	10. Chapter Ten

CHAPTER 10

Apologies for the lengthy delay. I've had some big computer problems which hopefully are now fixed!

Hutch

I decided to call a cab to take me to the airport, to save any further grief with Louise. I really wasn't up to arguing with her again. I was thrown, but not deterred, by the Vegas PD changing their minds, and of course I was worried about Starsky. I knew they hadn't ever been happy with the prospect of me being there, but I couldn't care less about them. I did care about my partner and I was terrified that he wouldn't have the back-up he needed. This had nothing to do with my belief in his competence, it's just that I've always believed that partners should be there for each other, to watch each other's backs and to stand by the other. Starsky and I had always worked that way and I saw no reason to change it now. Gunther's shooting had only reinforced how much I loved my partner.

I looked at Louise who was pretending to read a book. She was such a mixture: on one hand, very warm and loving, and on the other hand, selfish and jealous. Was I being uncharitable here? I know that my friendship with Starsky was closer than most friendships, and I guess I might be perceived as being unreasonable in expecting her to understand our bond. The fact was that I did expect her to at least realize I needed to help Starsky during this difficult time. Starsky's physical recovery thankfully had occurred, but he needed to find himself again and regain that old cocky confidence that at times had bugged the hell out of me. I'd give my right arm for it to make a reappearance, but there was no sign of it returning and I had been shaken myself to discover just how badly he was feeling.

I couldn't lose him, any more than I could lose a limb. It wasn't reasonable for her to expect me to choose between the two of them. It wasn't a contest. I loved them both and I knew I had enough room in my heart for the two of them. I wanted both of them in my life, but even facing an ultimatum given by Louise, I wouldn't turn my back on my partner. Even if he wasn't hurting--and he was--I wouldn't do it. The fact remained that he'd never ask me to drop Louise and, if anything, would back away from me first, providing that I let him. I wasn't about to allow that to happen. My head started aching. Why did this have to be so difficult?

"Louise, I've got to go now. Please try to understand..."

She looked at me as she spoke calmly. "I do understand that he's important to you. But you must realize just how much I love you and, although it might make me selfish, I wanted you to be around and help plan OUR wedding. If you can't make an effort, I've got to ask myself just how much I mean to you and whether this marriage can work with just half a commitment from your side. You've got two weeks to make up your mind. If you're not back a week before our wedding, then don't bother coming back."

I stared at her sadly. There it was, the ultimatum.

"I'm going now, Louise. I'll call you when I can." I turned to leave.

"Don't put yourself out!" I didn't miss the bitterness in her voice as I left.

I was lucky enough to get a non-talkative cab driver to the airport. I needed to think and definitely didn't want mindless chatter going on around me. I never liked being cornered, but Louise seemed determined to make me choose between her and Starsky. Why couldn't she see how much he needed me? I know I can be overprotective of him, but I also know that it cut both ways. He felt the same about me. The two most important women in our lives, prior to Louise, had been Gillian and Terry. Gillian had loved both me and Starsky, and had truly understood how I relied on him. Terry had been perfect for Starsky and had loved me, too.

I didn't question Louise's love for me, but she certainly didn't care for Starsky. It was such a mess. She couldn't seem to understand just how much I depended on him, and thinking about it, I wondered if she thought our friendship was a one-way street, with Starsky being the one who leaned on me. This made sense since she'd only known us since the Gunther shooting, when Starsky really did need me. However, I'd had more than my fair share of leaning on him over the years, and neither of us would have it any other way. If you're lucky enough to have a friend that you can trust with your life, then you do let yourself rely on that friend at all times. I realized then, that the situation with Louise couldn't continue indefinitely. Either we reached a compromise or the wedding wouldn't happen. The problem was, I didn't want to compromise if it meant hurting my partner and best friend. I'd been perfectly honest with Louise when I'd said that I wouldn't resent her spending time with a friend who needed her, and I'd never try to prevent her. No one in this world realized the value of a trusted friend as much as I did. Why couldn't she see it in the same way?

The flight to Las Vegas was uneventful and gave me even more time to think. As I sat there, I wondered why the Vegas cops had tried to stop me, but figured that they just wanted to control the entire situation. However, I wasn't prepared to trust Starsky's life with them. I didn't like anything at all about this situation and prayed that something would give quickly so that we could both return home safely. I'd then have to face Louise and make some decisions. I really didn't want another disastrous marriage behind me--one was more than enough.

Vanessa had been a self-serving, money hungry bitch who'd done her best to make my life miserable. She'd turned out to be as controlling as my father and full of bright ideas about what I should do with my life. Unfortunately, I didn't agree with either of them and had alienated them both. Vanessa had been murdered, but my father was still alive and still had periods of trying to control my life and telling me how I was wasting myself. I knew he disliked Starsky, but he'd come to realize that it was dangerous for us to discuss my partner. Despite our differences, I did believe my father loved me in his own way and was anxious to hold on to whatever relationship we could have. He'd learned early on that criticizing Starsky was something I would find unforgivable. So an uneasy truce had sprung up between us.

I didn't think Louise was like Vanessa really, but she was certainly insecure and jealous, and I never liked being controlled, as my father could confirm. Maybe I could help her with her insecurities, but I found it difficult to be sympathetic to anyone who was against Starsky. I also found myself resenting the position she was forcing on me. I had no intention of dropping him from my life or ever taking him for granted again. Gunther had changed everything for me, too. I suppose people always made such promises to themselves after a close call, but I meant it. I'd had a taste of what it would be like without Starsky in my life and I knew that I wouldn't be able to bear it. I knew that I'd been moody and difficult with him, particularly over the last few years, but he'd always stood by me. Even Kira had failed to destroy me and thee. No one was going to break our bond. I tried to shift my thoughts to more cheerful issues, and I deliberately thought about our better times--the times we had laughed, rather than the times we'd cried. I found myself relaxing as I remembered my playful partner's tendency toward childish jokes, and the pranks we'd played on Dobey over the years. Is this Starsky or Hutch? As if it really mattered. We were the same in all ways that mattered the most. We'd had more than our fair share of rough times, but we'd had a lot of good times, too, and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

The flight landed in Vegas on time and, as I walked through the terminal, I was surprised to hear my name being called over the intercom, asking that I report to the information desk. I hurried along, hoping nothing was wrong.

"Detective Hutchinson?" A man in his late twenties approached me.

"I've got a message from Lieutenant Cameron. Could you please come with me?"

"What is it? What's happened?" I was trying to fight back the fear that was growing in me. I didn't even question how he knew I'd be here--maybe because I was so worried.

"I'm sorry to say that there's been a murder at the Hackney Boarding House. Detective Starsky has been killed..." I went numb as the world seemed to freeze.

"Lieutenant Cameron asked that you come with me and I'll take you straight there. He thought you'd want to see the crime scene." I was aware of being pushed toward a car but of little else. Surely I should be feeling something, shock, anger, but all I felt was numb. Cold to my heart.

"Here, Detective, have a drink." I felt a flask being pushed into my hand and I automatically took a sip. Something was wrong, but my mind was too foggy to determine what it was. It couldn't be, Starsky couldn't be dead. I felt the ground rise up to meet me, but before I could fall, I was caught and pushed into the car. My last thought before blacking out was that my best friend was dead.


	11. Chapter Eleven

CHAPTER 11

Starsky

I tried to wriggle my way out of the ropes, desperately worried about what was going to happen to Hutch, but all I was doing was causing myself pain. The thought of what Forest's goons might have planned for my partner made me feel ill. He'd barely survived his previous run-in with Forest, for the son of a bitch had shot him up with heroin and left him strung out. It had been a long haul back to health, and even now he was very jumpy around drugs.

I never worried about him being tempted into using again, for I knew my partner as no one else did. He had strength of character and will that even he wasn't aware of at times. My faith in him never faltered, even though I knew it wasn't always easy for him. However, I knew he'd be freaked out at the thought of being in Forest's hands again, even though Forest was dead. Obviously, revenge was on their minds and I couldn't help but believe they'd want to hurt him in the worst possible way. At the memory of my sweat soaked, frightened partner, my anger grew, giving me increased energy to fight my ropes. The bastards weren't going to hurt him ever again if I could help it. At last I felt the ropes loosening, just a little.

Desperation gave me the edge I so badly needed and I soon found the ropes binding my wrists were loose enough to remove. I quickly threw off the blindfold and gag, and untied my ankles. I stood up, trying to get my bearings. It was a small, dark room and I made my way to the door. I didn't get far, as the door opened and I found myself staring into the barrel of a gun.

"Where do you think you're going?" The man talking to me didn't seem surprised that I was trying to escape.

"I should think that was obvious! I'm not about to let my partner be killed..."

"Your partner deserves to die. Now you get back in the room." I recognized the voice. It had been the voice of the man who hadn't wanted them to kill me. I allowed a flicker of hope to rise.

"I heard you talking before. You're not a killer. Please help me!" I pleaded.

"Hutchinson got in the way of Forest and he deserves to die. I don't think you deserve to be killed just 'cause you're unfortunate enough to be his partner. NOW MOVE!" He pushed me back and I stumbled, falling to the ground. He pushed me onto my stomach and started rebinding my wrists.

"Please, Hutch initially just tried to help, a woman he loved. But Forest was a crime boss and..."

"He loved? That's not what I heard." I hesitated and wondered who this man was.

He spoke again, obviously thinking about what I'd just told him. "I heard he seduced her away from Mr. Forest and then dumped her."

"No, that's not what happened at all," I gasped as the ropes tightened. "He loved her. Who are you? Have you ever asked?"

"No. She went to live in New York, but she's my sister..."Her brother! I allowed myself further hope.

"Listen to me. Hutch loved and she loved him. She wouldn't want you to kill him. Please" I gasped again as the ropes cut into my wrists, but then suddenly they were loose again.

"I might be crazy but I do believe you. You didn't know who I was. I can't release you outright or I'd be signing my own death warrant. But I can make it easy for you to escape." I sighed as I was pulled into a sitting position, the ropes quite loose again.

"Are they gonna bring Hutch back here? You gotta tell me, please." I needed to find out what they were going to do to Hutch. I knew he'd come after me as soon as he found out I was missing.

"I think so. They want him to know who's gonna kill him and why. They like games like that." I jumped a little as I felt the gag and blindfold being replaced. "Gotta make it look like you're secure. Sorry. You might need this, too." I felt something being placed in my hands behind my back. Something cold and hard. I sighed with relief as I felt the familiar outline of a gun.

"Don't blow this, Starsky. If you do, we'll all die!" I shook my head, I wasn't going to blow this. My partner's life was on the line. I had no doubts I could handle this, not when the stakes were so high.

Hutch

I woke up to find my hands cuffed behind my back. I was in a moving car, lying along a seat, but aside from a headache and the discomfort of the cuffs, I had no other injuries. At first, I had wondered what happened and then the memories came flooding back. Starsky was dead! No, he couldn't be. I'd know if he was dead, I would feel it. I tried to hold back the black despair I was feeling. I wriggled experimentally, but there was no way I could get out of the cuffs.

"Keep still, Hutchinson. You're not going anywhere."

"What the hell is going on?" I asked. Starsky can't be dead, he can't be. I had to hold on to that thought or I'd lose the will to fight.

"We're taking you to view the body of your friend. Then you'll be joining him, courtesy of Ben Forest."  
  
FOREST! I went cold. Oh, God, no, I couldn't face him again. Is he going to shoot me up again? I couldn't handle that, not without Starsky. STARSK! I was despondent as the car drew to a halt. NO, STARSK WASN'T DEAD. I was hauled out of the car and led into an old building, confused and trying hard to maintain my cool.

"Hello, Detective Hutchinson. Welcome. Are you ready to go on another trip? Perhaps you won't fight so hard when we tell you that Starsky didn't handle the ride as well as you did and..."

"NO!" I screamed as I jumped forward. Starsky! Please, no! I was pushed back and hauled over to a chair.

"I'm afraid so .Now just relax, Hutchinson, while we get you ready for your last trip. Oh, and don't forget to think about your partner and how he died because of you. We wouldn't have touched him if it hadn't been for you." I couldn't believe what I was hearing, still everything in me was denying that Starsky was dead. That Starsky would have suffered the horror of heroin. It couldn't have happened. I fought back the panic and despair that was increasing.

---

Starsky

I'd heard the arrival and guessed that Hutch had been caught. Oh, Hutch! Did you walk into the trap because of me? I'll get you out of here, babe, they're not gonna hurt you again. I worked the ropes loose and grabbed the gun. I got up and walked carefully to the door. 's brother was outside, but just nodded very gently toward another door and then turned away from me.

I could hear voices and when I realized what they were saying, I went cold. They were going to shoot him up again. Over my dead body and I barged in, holding the gun high. The sight of my partner in the chair, looking so defeated and terrified, angered me beyond belief, as did the sight of the needle about to be injected into his arm. I had no choice, I had to stop that needle going into his arm at all costs. I shouted a warning and then fired.

----

Hutch

I looked in horrified wonder at the sight of the needle. I'd developed a real phobia for needles since my last run-in with Forest and I couldn't believe I was about to be shot up again. Starsky, I need you Starsky! Starsky can't be dead.

I looked up at the sound of the door being pushed in and couldn't believe my eyes. It was my partner, looking a little battered but all in one piece. He shouted something but I was beyond hearing what he said. The gun fired and the thug who had my arm released it and dropped to the floor. That was my partner, one of the best shots in the department.

However, the others had circled him and were not going to be deterred by the gun. I watched in horror as someone else came into the room behind him, knocking the gun out of his hand. He had no chance, for he was simply outnumbered.

"STARSK!" I screamed the warning as I was hauling myself up out of the seat, wanting to help him, despite the cuffs, not sure how I was going to manage. Every instinct I possessed demanded that I help him, but before I could even move, I found myself staring down the barrel of a gun.

"This ends now!" I heard a man shouting and a gunshot. The last thing I was aware of was a searing pain in my side and Starsky's anguished cry to me.


	12. Chapter Twelve

CHAPTER 12

Apologies for the delay! Real life has been a real nuisance this week!

Starsky

After I fired the shot and hit the man about to inject Hutch, it all became a blur. I was attacked from behind and the gun was knocked out of my hands. I was aware of Hutch's shocked look and part of me registered the fact that he was hauling himself out of the chair. I fought back, managing to keep the thugs from overpowering me. Once again, shear desperation giving me the necessary strength. Then the gun was picked up and some instinct made me look up in time to see my partner facing the gun.

"NO, HUTCH!" I screamed, throwing myself on the gunman. The gun fired and I saw Hutch fall.

"Hutch, God no, please, HUTCH!" I screamed, unaware of the thugs starting to scatter. They could have killed me then for I was no more capable of defending myself than a baby, as I saw the fallen figure of my best friend, bleeding from his side. All I could do was stare in horror and disbelief.

"Let's go. Hutchinson is finished."

"What about him?" One of them said, but the sound of sirens was approaching and I guess they figured I wasn't worth bothering about and they soon disappeared. I crawled over to Hutch and gathered him up in my arms, sobbing. Oh, God, Hutch, is this how you felt when you saw me lying on the ground next to the Torino? I tried to stem the blood flow from his side and was talking to him frantically.

"Please don't die, Hutch. How can you do this to me? Please! I love ya, Hutch, really love ya. I'm sorry, this is my fault. I should never have come here... Oh, God, Hutch, you're gonna be married in a few weeks. What have I done?" I looked at the wound, glad that it wasn't several inches higher or it would have hit him in the chest, possibly heart. I realized vaguely that if I hadn't pushed the shooter out of the way, he would have been hit in the heart and killed. But it didn't matter for the fact was that he'd still been shot, trying to help me.

"Hutch, please be okay, babe. Can't do this without ya. Can't do anything!"

"IN HERE!" Voices were shouting around me and I suddenly realized I was no longer on my own. Police officers were swarming the area and I heard the shout for an ambulance. All I could do was hold my still unconscious partner, not caring in the slightest that I had tears streaming down my face. Nothing mattered to me anymore, only Hutch. Ihad lost track of time, but I guess it couldn't have been long before the paramedics arrived, and I was pulled gently away from my partner so they could help him. I was shaking and barely in control, as I watched them tend to his wound.

"Are you okay, sir?" I looked blankly at one of the paramedics, not understanding, but a glance down showed that I was covered in blood--Hutch's blood.

"Yeah..." I could barely talk. "Just help him, please!"

Everything was a blur after that. They must have been worried about me, after all, because they herded me into the ambulance, but all I could focus on was Hutch.

"Excuse me, Detective Starsky, I just want you to know that Captain Dobey has been called. He told me to tell you that he'd call Louise." A uniformed officer had approached me, but I hadn't even seen them arrive.

I looked at the officer speaking to me. I must have introduced myself, but I had no recollection of saying anything. He just patted my shoulder gently and left me to my lonely vigil.

Hutch was in surgery and all I could do was wait. Wait and think. I'd been so wrong. I'd been so caught up with my own selfish concerns, I'd lost sight of my partner. I'd been trying to make decisions for me and thee. If I hadn't come to Las Vegas this wouldn't have happened. It didn't matter to me at that time that it was Forest's goons that had come after Hutch. They'd chosen to get to him through me and I'd made it easy for them. Hours--it had been hours--since we'd got here and no one could tell me if my partner would survive.

I looked up at the sound of running footsteps and into the face of a furiously angry Louise. God, it must have been hours if she'd had a chance to arrive.

"Dunno how he is, Louise, he's still in surgery..." Dobey was behind her and looked at me in sympathy.

Suddenly Louise started shouting. "Are you happy, David? Are you happy now that he's been hurt? THIS IS YOUR FAULT!"

I reeled against the viciousness and unexpectedness of the attack.

"Hey, Louise, it isn't Starsk..."

"YES IT IS! Ken never would have come here if it hadn't been for him. He never would have been shot. If he dies, David, this is on your head and I will never, ever forgive you!" She turned and stormed out, leaving me stunned and sick to my heart.

"Starsky, it isn't your fault and you know it." Dobey walked over to me and placed a hand on my shoulder .I guess I must have looked as shattered as I felt, for our captain wasn't normally demonstrative with us. I felt his hand pushing me down on the chair and I looked up at him blearily.

"Forest's goons were determined to get him and they would have. God, Starsky, you of all people know their determination..."

I shrugged. "Yeah, but I kinda made it easy for 'em didn't I? That's the whole problem. People know the best way to hurt me is to get him and vice versa. How much more can we take?" I had tears in my eyes that I didn't bother to hide. I looked toward the door when I heard the sound of footsteps. It was the doctor.

"Detective Hutchinson has come through surgery and is in intensive care. He was very lucky. The bullet managed to avoid all vital organs, however he has suffered a large blood loss. I believe with care he'll be okay. We're going to keep him in intensive care until he regains consciousness, but I don't expect it will be long."

I closed my eyes, almost feeling faint with relief. Dobey's hand was still on my shoulder and gripped it warmly.

"Can I see him?" I asked.

"I'm sorry, but he's restricted to one visitor and his fiancé has requested that you not be permitted to go in. I have to respect her wishes."

I felt faint again. Not to see Hutch! Not being permitted to see Hutch! How could she do this? I took a deep breath and looked at Dobey, who was horrified. He of all people knew how we helped each other.

"I need to see him, Captain. I'm gonna wait 'til she goes. They won't let her stay in there for long, and then I'll see him." I was determined and Dobey didn't attempt to dissuade me.

"I'll get some coffee, Starsky." With that he left the room, leaving me to deal with my chaotic thoughts and emotions. When I heard the door click shut, I looked up to see Louise staring at me with hatred in her eyes.

"I've just come to tell you, David, that I want you to stay away from Ken. I blame you entirely for this and I don't want you near him. You're his greatest weakness and I want to make sure you don't bring any more trouble to him..."

"I want to see him, Louise. Even if he is asleep, I do want to see him one more time. To say goodbye. I'm gonna leave the department. But I do want you to understand one thing, lady. This is my decision, not yours!" I don't know how I got the words out but I did, and I saw a flicker of something in her eyes, perhaps doubt. It was too bad. My decision had been made and I was about to make the biggest change possible in my life. I was going to walk out of Hutch's life.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

CHAPTER 13

Starsky

I walked straight past Louise and into Hutch's room, where he was still unconscious. When she approached me, I just glared at her which made her back down.

"You're not gonna keep me from sayin' goodbye. Don't worry, I ain't gonna wake him up, but I do want to see him again and no one is gonna stop me!"

"David..." but she gave up. I was vaguely aware of steps leaving the room, but mostly I was concentrating on the figure lying so still on the bed.

I was trying to gather my strength, for I needed every iota of strength I possessed to carry this out. In a strange way, I was starting to feel that we'd been approaching the end of our partnership for a long time. Gunther had almost made it inevitable the day he put the hit out on me. Didn't they say all good things must come to an end? I choked back a sob. I did have a choice. I could quit being a cop but stay in LA and we'd stay friends, but I knew in my heart it wasn't that simple. If I stayed around, we'd both want to continue as partners and I wasn't sure Hutch wanted to quit the department. I wasn't going to make the decision for him. I knew I couldn't continue to be a cop, although it went deeper than that now.

I'd held my own against the thugs, and in my heart I knew that I'd stopped Hutch from being killed. However, it came back to one thing. Hutch got shot trying to help me, and I felt too old and too tired to deal with this anymore, and I was sure Hutch couldn't deal with me being shot again. Hutch had a chance at a new life, with a woman who could make him happy. Well, she would if I was out of the picture. I seemed to be the sticking point with her and I did believe she loved him. The signs had been there all along for me to read--but I'd been too stubborn, and maybe too scared, to take note. No more. I was going to take heed of the warnings and walk away. I loved him too damn much to stay. Louise had been right, I was Hutch's greatest weakness and he was mine. I couldn't watch him getting hurt anymore, especially when it was because he was helping me.

Life had changed forever for both of us when Gunther shot me. Maybe we should have said goodbye then, but, God forgive me, I couldn't do it. I needed him then and I needed him if I wanted to stay in the department. I'd still hoped that would be possible, and during my long recovery, it had been the lifeline I had clung to. The belief and hope that we could go on as we had before, that the me and thee team would survive. But it had been a pipedream. I simply couldn't do this anymore and this was the best solution. To walk away while we both could. He'd been shot, but I'd been assured by the doctor that he'd be fine with rest. It really was time to say goodbye.

As I looked at the sleeping face, I realized with some surprise, just how young he looked, and beautiful. Not normally a word that I would use to describe a man, but my Hutch did look beautiful and at peace. Not worrying about me, just sleeping peacefully and at rest. My hand started shaking as I reached out to touch his forehead gently. Oh, God, this was going to kill me, leaving the other half of my heart.

"Be happy, Hutch." I knew I'd have to write him a letter and explain everything, but I needed this final contact. I wasn't aware of the tears that were falling, as I remembered all the years we'd had together. How I'd searched high and low for him when he went missing, and I'd finally found him in his car over a cliff. The memories of the plague which still sent shivers down my spine. I really thought I'd lost him then, but my strong partner had survived. His first run-in with Forest and the wild, dirty junkie that he'd been. Even in the midst of his pain and confusion in the alley, he'd hugged me. We'd cried together and laughed together.

I remember him holding me in an alley, too, the time that Bellamy had poisoned me and I had believed that I was going to die in a matter of hours. He'd made me feel safe and loved, so much so that I'd wanted to hold on. As scared as I had been of dying, I'd been scared of what would become of him. My partner, so often misunderstood by people, keeping everyone at a safe distance, everyone except me. I'd been truly privileged to know the real Ken Hutchinson as few others did. Then the Gunther nightmare. We'd survived it all, only now I knew it was time to say goodbye. I would never have a friend like Hutch again, and I would never let anyone get as close as he was to me.

"Goodbye, my friend." I stumbled out of the room to find Louise staring at me.

"You remember this, lady, this is my decision, not yours. You look after him..." I couldn't say anymore. My eyes were filled with tears as I left, not giving her a chance to talk to me.

I knew that I should see Dobey, but I wasn't up to seeing anyone just then. I needed to get out, but luck really wasn't running with me and I found our captain at the end of the corridor.

"Dave?" I guess he thought something must have gone wrong with Hutch.

"Cap'n..." God this was going to be hard. "I'm leavin'. Hutch will be okay..."

"Dave!" He caught me as I swayed but I managed to brace myself.

"I'm gonna get my wallet and stuff. I'll write an official resignation letter, but..." Suddenly I found myself crumbling. I couldn't do this, who was I kidding? Then I remembered the vision of Hutch being shot. Yes I could. I pulled away from a stunned Dobey and ran out of the hospital. At least I knew he'd be okay. I had no idea whether I would be, or where I was going to go. Leave Las Vegas, leave LA, leave Hutch. My world, my life as I had known it, was over.

Hutch

I woke up feeling sore and groggy. Suddenly I remembered – I'd been shot. STARSKY! I tried to get out of bed, but was prevented from moving by Louise.

"Starsky! Where's Starsky?" I looked at Louise in confusion. Wasn't I in Las Vegas?

"Louise, what are you doing here?" I was feeling very weak and confused.

"Thanks, Ken, for asking about me!" I winced at the bitter note in her voice, but I still wanted to know where my partner was.

"Starsky? Where is he?" Already I was drifting off. "Is he okay?"

"Yes, Ken, he's fine. Just go to sleep and we'll have a long talk in the morning." Funny I thought I remembered Starsky touching my forehead like Louise was doing, but I must have been mistaken. I'd sort it all out in the morning.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

CHAPTER 14

Hutch

I was still sore when I woke up again, but not as groggy, and very upset to discover that Starsky wasn't with me. Louise was, but Starsky, where was he? I started to panic, knowing full well that he'd be with me if he was able to. Had he been hurt, too?

"Starsk!"

"Relax, Ken, please! David is fine. He's just not here at the moment."

I looked at her pleadingly, then relaxed. "Oh, he's resting is he? That's good, but tell him to come and see me when he wakes up. We've gotta talk." I needed to know what had happened, whether Louise knew all the details of our captivity. I'd never told her about Forest and my brief experience with heroin, although it hadn't been a deliberate evasion. The opportunity had never presented itself, although I now realized that I should have mentioned it. It was most certainly a significant event in my life. I was drifting off again before I knew it.

When I woke up again, I was distressed that Starsky still wasn't with me. Surely he didn't need to rest that long and if he did, he must be hurt. I'd lost all track of time, but whenever one of us was injured, the other one always stayed in the room until we were convinced the other would be okay. It was just the way we were, and I hadn't even seen him this time. Something must be going on. Dobey's tense face peering down at me reinforced my worry.

"Cap'n? Where's Starsk?"

"Hutch, how are you?"

"Where's Starsk? Please, Cap'n. Has something happened to him?" Memories of how I'd felt when I'd believed he was dead came flooding back. God, no, please no. I'd seen him, he'd been there, alive and well.

"He's gone, Hutch." He handed me an envelope. I looked at it blankly.

"Left? Without seeing me? I don't think so, Cap'n!" I refused to believe it. Starsky wouldn't leave me.

"Hutch, please read the letter."

But I was frightened to. I didn't want to read it, I wanted my best friend and partner to come waltzing back through the door, laughing and cheerful, telling me about the pretty nurses he was flirting with and how useful it was to have a partner in the hospital at times. I knew he'd be joking, neither of us ever wanted to see the other hurt, but we did come into contact with many pretty nurses when we ended up in hospital. Looking at the somber face of my captain, I knew it wasn't going to happen this time. Without opening the letter, I asked him what had happened.

"Please, Cap'n. What happened? Was he hurt? Were Forest's men caught?" I hadn't even sought this information as my concern for my partner far outweighed any personal concerns I might have had.

I saw Dobey sigh.

"You were shot and, from what I gather, Starsky saved you from being shot point blank in the chest. He was a mess emotionally, but unhurt physically. He blamed himself..."

"That's ridiculous. It was my fault he was kidnapped. This had nothing to do with the cultists, it was Forest's men carrying out a vendetta against me."

"I know that, Hutch, and you know that. But we both know how damn stubborn your partner is. You're the only one who can even come close to getting through to him when he's like this, and I really hope you can." I could tell how exasperated he was feeling by the swear word and his heavy sigh.

"He wouldn't have just decided to pack up and leave me here..." a horrible thought was starting to form. "No he wouldn't just leave me here, not unless..."

"Yes, Hutch, I'm sorry, but he did resign from the department. He dropped two letters off and cleared out. One letter is this one to you and the other is a resignation letter."

I went cold. NO, not after all we've been through! Starsk!

"Gotta read this letter now, Cap'n." I kept my voice emotionless.

"I'll be outside, Hutch. Louise should be back soon, too. She just went to get something to eat."

I wasn't thinking about Louise, as I stared at the scrawl on the envelope. My hands were shaking as I opened it. Starsk, what have you done, babe?

"_Hutch,_

_You know I don't like soapy scenes and we've got pretty close to them lately! But I guess there are things I've got to tell you. Thanks, Hutch, thanks for being my friend and my partner and for the last ten years. We've had some great times, some rotten times, and then again some great times. You know what? I wouldn't swap even the rotten times, 'cause somehow when I had you to share them with they seemed bearable. You've shown me what it is like to be loved unconditionally, to be a friend and to have a friend. You're going to get married in a few weeks, Hutch, and I know you'll be very happy if you let yourself. We should have heeded the warning signs before, and I should have realized that I couldn't go back to who I was after Gunther. Who could? Can anyone come back from that abyss of hell and be the same? I don't know, but it was close, thanks to you. I can't do this anymore, and I don't want you to be hurt 'cause of me again so I'm packing it in and going. Leaving you to make your own life. I could go on, as there are lots of things I guess I should tell you, but you know me, never did like writing much. Anyway, I figure you know what's in my heart and mind now._

_Love ya, blintz. Sometimes you just have to let go and I think we're at that point now. Know that I'll miss ya and thanks again, partner. Have a good life._

Love, 

_Starsk"_

I just lay there with the letter in my lap, stunned and not believing what I had read. It was so unlike Starsky, but so like Starsky, I was reeling. I didn't hear Louise come in at first.

"Ken, what is it? You look terrible."

I just looked at her numbly.

"Starsk has left. Gotta find him," and I struggled to get out of bed. Her hands on my shoulders prevented me moving.

"No, Ken. Let him go. It's what he wanted." I looked at her in horror, the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach was increasing as I came to the realization she knew Starsky had gone. Surely she wouldn't have had anything to do with his leaving? Something in her face told me what I didn't want to know and I found my temper and panic level rising.

"How the hell do you know? WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HIM?"


	15. Chapter Fifteen

CHAPTER 15

Starsky

I'd decided to rent a car and drive back to LA. It gave me time to think, although I'm not sure I wanted to think anymore. I'd just done the most difficult thing I could imagine doing - walking out on my partner and best friend. It was killing me, but I knew it was for the best. Hutch had a new life to get on with, and now he could. Writing the letter to him broke what was left of my heart, and I tried not to picture him reading it. At least he had Louise to comfort him. I had to fight back the tears as I nearly drove off the road. Concentrate, Starsky, I tried to tell myself, but finally it became too much and I had to pull over. I needed to gather my thoughts and my emotions, or I'd never make it back to LA.

After running out on Dobey, I'd returned to the boarding house to get my stuff and write my letters. All thoughts of the murder and the Satanists had left my mind, but as I approached it, I realized we hadn't progressed any further in solving the case. I shrugged mentally – it simply did not matter anymore, for I wasn't a cop and never would be one again. Leave it to someone else to solve and just hope they're not lying in wait for me. It would be my luck to get grabbed.

Did it matter? Did anything matter? I felt like I was dying inside already. Would this pain go away, or would I have to live with an ache in my heart forever? Hutch would be okay--eventually. I had no doubts that he'd be devastated and furiously angry with me too, but he'd come to terms with this once he got past the pain. He had a future and a life, but I didn't have the slightest idea what I was going to do with my career, or my personal life. I didn't expect to get married, for the scars on my chest would always be there and I wasn't prepared to risk rejection by a woman. I didn't want to live my life lonely, but I didn't seem to have a lot of options left to me. I'd wanted to be a cop for so long--in fact, all of my life.

I guess I almost hero worshipped my father and wanted to be just like him when I grew up. Even in the last few months of his life, when things became tense at home, when he started striking out at those closest to him, me included, I still thought of him as someone I wanted to be like. When I was shipped out to LA shortly after his death, I still wanted it. When I joined the Academy and met Hutch, I wanted it even more, for I had been fortunate enough to meet someone that I wanted to be partners with. We didn't hit it off immediately, but it didn't take long for it to become obvious that our differences were skin deep only, and that in the important things, we felt the same. So we became partners, and not once did I regret my decision to become a cop, or want to do anything else. Gunther had changed everything for me.

I felt old and tired and didn't want to be a cop anymore, or at least I didn't think I did. I knew I didn't want to watch my best friend and partner being injured anymore and I knew I didn't want to get hurt again myself. After nearly dying--actually I was dead for a few moments--I wasn't sure how much more my body could endure. God, I was confused. I thought back to Louise's angry face, blaming me for Hutch's injury. "You're his greatest weakness." She'd been right. But he was my greatest weakness, too. We couldn't go on like we were, and the time had come to move on.

Writing the resignation letter to Dobey and leaving my badge and gun had been very difficult. Writing my goodbye letter to Hutch nearly finished me. Now I was faced with a bleak future, and I had no idea what I was going to do. I knew I'd have to leave LA permanently to avoid any scenes with Hutch and to start my new life. As I started up the car to continue on with my lonely drive, I wondered whether it was even worth returning to LA. Did I need any of my possessions? Even my car, the tomato, as Hutch referred to it. Did I need it? Was there any reason for me to return to LA? Technically, I suppose I should have worked out my notice with Dobey, but I'd never intended to do that. I had to make a clean break. I could stay in Las Vegas for awhile, until I sorted my emotions out. There was even a friend that I could visit A friendly face would do a lot for me now. I turned around and went back. It was pretty late by now and I was tired, so I decided to check into a cheap hotel before facing anyone. I was so very tired and feeling totally defeated. A few drinks should help the night along.

Hutch

"WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HIM?" I looked at Louise like I was seeing a stranger. My world was spiraling out of control and I just knew Louise had been part of the reason for it.

"Ken, he told me it was his decision. What makes you think I said anything to him?"

I pulled myself up so I could grab her arms. If I could have, I would have shaken her. Never before in my life had I been tempted toward violence against a woman. Even Vanessa hadn't got me as angry. She'd never hurt my partner, and the thought of what Louise could have said to him, in fact, must have said to him, was enough to send my blood pressure through the roof.

"Hutchinson, would you keep your voice down?" Dobey came racing back into my room.

"I want to know why Starsky left and what she said to him. He wouldn't have left on his own..."

"Hutchinson, I've already told you, he was an emotional mess. He blamed himself for you getting shot. Do I have to tell you how pigheaded he can be? I don't think so." Dobey was getting angry, but I didn't care. I knew how stubborn Starsk could be, but there was something else going on. Maybe it was a carry over from my scenes with Louise at home, but I had no doubts any longer just how she felt about him.

"Tell me what happened." I could see Louise wincing and prepared myself.

"I got a phone call from Captain Dobey telling me you were shot, Ken. How do you think I felt? Knowing you were shot because you were saving your partner. God, Ken. Stop thinking about him for a moment and think about me. I love you. I'm going to be your wife." She paused but I just stared at her, willing her to go on.

"You can't blame me for being upset, Ken. I was upset. I yelled at him and told him it was his fault. I didn't want him near you and told him to go..." She stepped back as she looked at me. I was seeing red, knowing all too well how this would have affected my emotionally fragile partner, who was probably feeling guilt on his own anyway.

"For your information, Louise, they were after ME! It was MY fault HE was kidnapped! I was the target! Have you any idea what you've done?"

But instead of becoming upset, she got angry.

"Yes! I've finally split you up. Finally priedhim from your side. Maybe we can have a chance of a happy life together now. Let him go, Ken, he wants you to let him go."

I was nearly faint with fury and despair.

"How long ago did he leave? How much of a head start has he had?"

Dobey looked down to the ground. "You've been asleep for a long time, Hutch. He left yesterday morning."

Yesterday morning! He'd be back in LA now. I had to get back there. I pulled myself over to the closet to get my clothes, ignoring the protests by Dobey and Louise.

"STOP IT! LEAVE ME ALONE! I can't and won't let him go Louise! He's my best friend."

"Ken, you're hurt, you can't go." I pushed past her and started to gather my clothes.

Dobey looked at me and I think he must have realized it was a lost cause.

"I'll get the doctor."

"Stuff the doctor, I'm going anyway!"

"Ken, please!" She put her hand on my arm, trying to stop me.

"Louise. I know you love me, and I know that you're very insecure, but pushing Starsky out of my life can't make me love you more. In fact, I can't remember ever feeling this angry with anyone! Starsky needs me, Louise, this is a really serious crisis for him to have quit the department. I can't believe you've done this. For God's sake, you're a nurse and you've seen what he's been through."

"I've seen what you both went through. You suffered as much as he did and it's not right, Ken. How can you live a happy and full life if you're worried about him all the time? It's a fact, Ken, you do worry about him constantly."

"Don't you mean to ask me, how can I live a happy and full life with you, if I'm worried about him? It's not a contest, Louise, but you've made it one." I continued to dress as I spoke, wishing I had more energy, but I was already struggling. "Starsky and I are partners and we've saved each other's lives more times than I care to remember .He is my family, Louise, and if you can't accept it, then we have no future." I made the statement quite calmly, still concentrating on Starsky's pain, and trying not to pass out.

"You go after him, Ken, then don't come back to me!"

Finally I was dressed, as Dobey and the doctor returned. I looked at Louise's pretty face, wondering why I'd never noticed the petulant shape of her mouth before.

"Louise, I am going after him, and no one..." I looked at the doctor as I spoke, "is going to stop me. We could've been happy, Louise, but you've done something that I will never forgive. You've hurt Starsky at a time when he's very vulnerable and not able to fight back, and I've gotta find him."

I pushed past the protesting doctor and Dobey, who was just standing at the door waiting for me.

"I hope you never find him! He's going to leave LA, he told me that."

I looked at her sadly, wondering when the pain of this breakup would hit. Not until I found Starsky. I could only concentrate on one disaster at a time.

"I'll find him, Louise, believe me, I'll find him. We could've been happy, but I've never enjoyed being controlled .Ask my father about that one day." I walked out, aware that Dobey was close behind me.


	16. Chapter Sixteen

Apologies, there was some dialogue missing here and I'm not sure what happened. I have reposted this chapter to hopefully make it a bit clearer.

CHAPTER 16

Starsky

I woke up with a very bad hangover. I'd certainly drunk more whisky than I should have and I was paying for my sins. I winced at the bright light shining in the room and pulled the blanket over my head. Hardly an auspicious start to my new life, but I was trying to drown out the pain of leaving Hutch. By now, he'd know. He would have read the letter, and I could imagine how he felt. I realized that staying in Vegas was a good move to start with, because Hutch would be looking for me back in LA. I hoped he'd be sensible, but I had a strong feeling he'd discharge himself from the hospital to come looking for me. Maybe Louise could persuade him to be careful. I was sure she'd try to convince him that my leaving was the best thing that could happen, and I hoped she would, but I knew my partner, and I knew it wouldn't be an easy thing. The only problem I had now, was that in the cold light of day, and in the midst of my hangover, I wasn't so sure it had been a good idea. I wanted to talk to him already, and I missed him so much, barely twenty-four hours since I'd last seen him. The thing is, when you have a friend that you share so much of your life with, and then they're not there, it unbalances you and that's how I felt. Unbalanced. Lost. Confused. The me without the thee. What the hell was I going to do?

I thought about my friend, Vicki, the showgirl that I'd befriended during our last stay in Las Vegas. Even thinking about that visit hurt me, for I'd been with Hutch and we'd been working on a case. Jack Mitchell, Hutch's old school friend, had died and it had been a very sad time for Hutch. The case had centered around a serial killer of showgirls and Vicki had been a showgirl at the Thunderbird Casino. An absolute knock out, she also turned out to be very warm and kind, and we'd become friends. So much so, that Hutch and I had sent her our not inconsiderable winnings from our brush with gambling. Vicki had a little daughter who'd needed an operation and it seemed the right thing to do. We figured that the money was better sent to her, than ending up in some department account and we knew that it had been the right thing to do, despite Dobey's blustering about what we'd done with the money.

I wonder if getting in contact with her now was the right thing to do. I hadn't exactly kept in touch with her over the years. We'd exchanged a few phone calls, but so much had happened since. However, I really felt the need to see a friendly face, for I'd never felt as alone as I did since I'd said goodbye to Hutch. My world had turned upside down and I had nowhere else to turn. If she shut the door in my face, or if she'd moved, then I'd have to rethink my plans, but at the moment it seemed like a solution. I remembered that her daughter lived in Boulder City with Vicki's mother while Vicki worked at the Casino. I could at least look her up. I had nothing to lose, and nothing else to do. I just had to get through the day and get rid of this hangover, although it all seemed too hard and I was so tired and sick. I wished I could phone the hospital to make sure Hutch was okay, but I knew that would be a mistake. I had to let go. God, that's what I had told Hutch to do. It's about time I listened to my own advice, but as I dragged myself out of bed, all I could see was the whisky bottle still standing there. I thought I'd finished it but there was still half a bottle. What else did I have to do? Couldn't get rid of the pain, but it sure could help dim it a little.

Hutch

Even by the time I reached the hospital doors, I felt my strength fading away. Getting shot took a lot out of you, and I was going to kill Starsky when I found him. I refused to contemplate that I wouldn't find him, or that I wouldn't be able to get through to him. He'd become lost and confused and I was going to sort him out. Usually, I was the one who went on guilt trips and over-analyzed situations, but my hotheaded partner had an idea fixed in his mind, and I needed to see him. I couldn't think about Louise anymore, or what she'd done. That could sort itself out later, although I was so angry with her. I wasn't sure how we could get past this. I put my hand out to the door, to stop myself from falling.

"Hutchinson, will you slow down!" Dobey was right behind me.

"I can't, Cap'n. Starsky has a good day's lead on me. Plenty of time to get back to LA and pack up to go somewhere else. I've gotta find him, Cap'n. You understand that, don't you?" I looked at him pleadingly, hoping he wouldn't put up a fight. I needed my strength to find Starsk, not fight with other people.

"I do understand, Hutchinson. I know how close you both are, but I want you to think about something first." I could see his concern, but I was also fairly sure I didn't want to hear what he had to say.

"Are you so sure he's wrong? Don't get me wrong, I don't condone how he's walked out for one moment. You've both been through such an ordeal, and it's bound to have taken its toll. Maybe he needs to get away."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing and I guess my face told a story.

"No, let me finish, Hutchinson," Dobey continued. "You two are the best detectives I've seen and you work exceptionally well together. Both of you drive me insane at times, but I've seen you both go through some real hell, and I don't just mean the Gunther shooting. Look at what you've gone through over the years. Is it time to call it quits? Starsky nearly died--God, he did die--and perhaps he knows you can't go through any more. Maybe it's his decision to make, after all, and you should respect it.

I was stunned. "Cap'n, he's not just talking about leaving the department, he's walking out on our friendship and partnership. I'm not about to let him go, not without a fight. You know how much he means to me, he's more my family than my own blood family." I was leaning on the door by now, wondering why I had to defend myself to Dobey.

"So you could accept it if he left the department, if he stayed in LA."

"If he wants to leave the department, and I mean really wants to leave, then yes, I can accept that. I'm not about to force him to do something he really doesn't want to do, that could get him killed. But he's got some bee in his bonnet about something, and we're talking about a lack of confidence. I can't let him just leave because he doesn't feel he can be my back-up anymore. He's proved himself to me more times than he needs to. Of course, I want him to stay in LA, but if he really wants to move on, I won't stop him..." I swallowed as I said that. I wasn't sure I'd be able to let him go. "Whatever. He can't just walk out like this, I won't let him. We've got to talk.

"What about Louise?" Dobey asked.

Why was Dobey being so difficult here? What didn't he understand?

"What do you mean? Louise? I doubt she's going to help me find Starsky!" I was almost spluttering with frustration. I'd sort out the Louise situation later...once Starsky was found.

"For God's sake, Hutchinson, you asked her to marry you. Your wedding is in three weeks, so I would expect that you do love her. I know you love your partner, but..."

"NO BUTS! I do love him. I don't like being cornered or controlled and my friend is hurting. Forget that it's Starsky, Captain! A friend who's hurting, and my future wife thinks I should dump him. What the hell am I supposed to do? I've been married to a selfish bitch before and I can't do it again."

"All I'm saying, Hutch, is that maybe she can't understand how much you care for your partner, and I can't say I'm surprised. Your partnership is a lot deeper than most, and I can see why Louise would have trouble living with it..."

"She doesn't have to live with it. She's trying to force me to make a choice and I can't live like that." I was so tired and didn't want this argument, but I could see what Dobey was trying to do. "I couldn't stand it with my father and I won't tolerate it with my future wife. It isn't just a choice between Starsky and her now, although that's how she's played it. It's a question of control and even respect. She thinks she can dictate to me who I should be friends with, and when I should see that friend. I won't live like that ever again. I also won't stand back and watch him hurt alone and, most of all, I won't lose him, not like this."

Dobey smiled grimly. "Just wanted to make sure you weren't going off half-cocked and realized what you were putting at risk."

I stared at him solemnly. "I am very aware of what is at risk, Captain. Now can I go?"

"As long as I can go with you. You're not gonna get too far in your condition. I want to have a word with your stubborn partner, too!"


	17. Chapter Seventeen

CHAPTER 17

Starsky

Whisky. Somehow it wasn't drowning my pain, not like I'd hoped it would. The room was spinning, my head was throbbing and I was still hurting as I thought about Hutch. Guess I should pour myself another drink. As I lay on the bed, watching the drink and my room moving from side to side, I decided to phone Vicki. Better still, I'd go around to the Thunderbird Casino since it wasn't that far from the cheap hotel that I'd booked into. I wasn't that drunk, just a bit dizzy as I stood up. At least I could find out whether she still worked there or not. What had I to lose? Suddenly the enormity of what I'd done hit me, and the tears started.

Tears for my partner, for me and thee and our lost times. I staggered to the door. I'd done it; I'd really done it. I'd really walked out on the most important person in my life. Time merged as I allowed the tears to fall, hoping this would ease the pain I was feeling. Finally, the tears ended and I was left feeling defeated and weary, with the pain still present. It was time to move on. I'd lost track of how long I'd been there, but I knew that I couldn't stay in the dingy room forever.

I finally pulled myself up, made coffee and took a shower. It was now dark again but I was still shaky, and certainly not in any condition to drive. Fortunately, I could walk easily to the Casino.

Somehow I made it, the jostle of people around me as I walked down the street, highlighting

the emptiness my life had become and the loneliness I was feeling. Why is it that crowds emphasize loneliness? I suddenly needed another drink very badly.

I reached the Casino eventually, but all I could remember was Hutch, and the thought that Hutch should be with me. Get a grip, Starsky, I tried to remind myself that I was on the way to a new life. This was only a pit stop for me, a chance to touch base with a hopefully friendly face. I found myself wishing I hadn't drunk so much whisky as I made my way to the main complex where the show girls performed. Blinking my eyes, I stumbled as I walked too close to a chair and found myself falling to the ground. Bouncers appeared from nowhere and I was hauled up into standing position.

"I think you'd better go home and sleep it off, buddy. We don't want any trouble." I looked at him blearily, too weary to argue. I was drunk and I couldn't deny it. Why couldn't something go right, just for once?

"Hey, Rick, I know that man, easy!" I turned to look into the face of one of the dancers.

"I remember you, you're Vicki's friend," She said.

"Vicki? Is she here?" I really was having trouble holding myself together.

"Rick, it's okay, I promise. Let me take him into the back room. His name is David, I think, and he's a friend of Vicki's. I'll go find her."

"You sure, Sue? He looks pretty plastered to me."

"Yes, Rick, it'll be fine. I agree he's a bit worse for wear, but Vicki will want to see him, I'm sure of that."

I sighed as I was led away from the public area. Maybe my luck was changing for the better.

"Vicki is here? Really?" I asked Sue, hardly daring believe my luck could have changed and that something was going to work out.

"Yes, sweetie, and she'll be pleased to see you. You probably don't remember me, but I'm Marcia and I remember you and your partner. You solved the murders of our friends, so I do remember you well. Plus you helped Vicki out, and that stuck in my mind." I found myself guided into a chair. She obviously didn't need any conversation, which was just as well.

"Vicki is due to finish shortly, so I'll let her know you're here. I'll also pour some coffee for you so you can sober up a bit. Wait here and Vicki will be here shortly."

I couldn't believe it and found the tears dangerously close to the surface again. I'd hoped I'd be welcomed, but I was no longer sure of anything. Marcia smiled at me as she pushed a cup of coffee into my hand. I hadn't even noticed the percolator in the room.

"Stay here, sweetie." I sipped the coffee willingly. If I had to sober up, I would. It was just so pleasant to feel welcome.

I sat there, drinking the coffee and relaxing, for the first time believing everything would be okay. Maybe not okay, but at least tolerable.

"David! David Starsky, I don't believe it!" I turned at the sound of her voice, noticing that her pleased expression turned to concern. Vicki was as lovely as ever.

"Are you okay?" Vicki sounded deeply concerned.

I tried to stand up, wanting to hug her, but my balance was definitely off, and I stumbled again. She moved forward and grabbed me, helping me back in the chair.

"Take it easy, David! Marcia warned me you were a bit under the weather. What is it? What's wrong?"

"I'mmmmm...fine..." I couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth, not yet.

"David, where's Ken?" I felt myself breaking down again at the question, and she must have realized how close to the edge I was.

"Come on, David. I can finish for the night. I'll take you back to my place and you can tell me all about it. Just let me have a word with Peter." She put her arm around me and helped support me to a chair. I sat there, with my head in my hands, not hearing her return. I only realized she was there, as I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder.

"David, it's fine. Let's go." With that she started to shepherd me toward the door, holding my arm to prevent me falling.

"Vicki, are you sure you're okay?" One of the bouncers approached her, not Rick this time. "Not like you to pick up a drunk, are you sure it's wise?"

I shuddered, I was a drunk. I tried to pull away but Vicki held me fast.

"He's had a bit too much to drink but I know him. He's not a drunk and I'll be fine, thanks, Mike."

"How did you get here, David? What has happened to you?"

I muttered under my breath as she guided me into a car.

"Never mind. We'll get you home and then you can tell me all about it, and where your partner is."

I lay back and closed my eyes, soothed by the calming voice and feeling warmed by her obvious concern.

I knew I should try to make conversation, that dumping myself on her like this wasn't very polite, but my tongue felt like lead, and my stomach felt like it was going in circles. It wasn't entirely the alcohol either.

"Thought you were gonna quit workin'..." I couldn't say any more.

"I was, but the money you and Ken sent me went almost entirely to Carrie's operation and follow-up treatment. Which was a great success, by the way. Afterwards, I realized that this really isn't a bad job. I've got friends and I've always loved dancing. Management here treats us pretty well, really." I heard her chuckle. "David, you're not up to this. Close your eyes and rest. We can talk later. I'm sure you want to, and I'll tell you everything then." I smiled and sighed as I relaxed further into the seat. "And you can tell me why you're looking so sad." It was barely a whisper and she probably thought I hadn't heard, but I had. I knew I'd have to tell her everything.

Hutch

Dobey had booked us on a plane back to LA. I was grateful for his help, for I was truly exhausted even by the time we got to the airport. I wasn't sure Starsky would still be at his place, in fact, he probably wouldn't be, but I had to start somewhere. I wish I knew where he'd go. I doubted he'd return to New York, but where else? I felt sure that he'd return to LA to at least pick up his prized tomato and personal belongings. I guessed his plan would be to leave LA, because he'd know he'd have to face me if he stayed.

That seemed to be what he was avoiding doing and I knew why. I'd demand answers from him, and he probably didn't have them. How could he explain himself? I just didn't understand what was going on here. He probably thought I'd persuade him to stay, which I would. At least I'd convince him to stay in LA if I could. I'd meant what I'd told Dobey, which was if he wanted to leave the department, really didn't want to be a cop anymore, then I could accept that. After all, if I persuaded him to remain a cop against his will, he could end up getting killed. I didn't want him dead, I didn't want him hurting, I just wanted my friend and partner back, whether he was a cop or not.

How could he think I'd let him leave just like that? People moved on, times changed and relationships altered, but I'd never looked at us like that. I'd never considered the possibility of us not being partners and friends. The risk was high that one of us would be killed one day, but that was a different scenario than this. Entirely different. He'd walked out on me and I couldn't help but feel that I'd failed him in some way, failed to convey to him just how much I loved and needed him.

It was killing me, the knowledge that he thought he meant so little to me that he could pack up and leave, and I'd let him. Worse still, that he thought Louise meant more. Maybe she should mean more to me, but she didn't and I couldn't change that. Starsky was my priority right then and I was determined that he'd realize that once and for all. I'd make it up to him, and he'd never again question how much I loved him and valued our friendship. Even if he left the department, we'd still be partners somehow and certainly friends. You can't throw away what we've got on a whim and I'd make him see this, even if I had to shake him until his teeth rattled.

I was so tired as I boarded the plane, not just tired from the pain meds I was taking, or from the wound, but deeply tired in my soul. The next few days were vital to me, as they were to Starsky, and we just had to get everything sorted out. I leaned my head back on the seat, sparing a glance at Dobey. How good Dobey had been to us over the years, more than a captain, a good and trusted friend. We had our hurdles at times, but he was always there for us. We owed him more than we could ever repay and I was grateful for his company on this trip. I knew that I'd need all the help I could get.


	18. Chapter Eighteen

CHAPTER 18

Starsky

I was in a really bad way, but Vicki was proving to be very supportive. She helped me out of her car and we made our way to her apartment. It seemed that exhaustion, both physical and emotional, had caught up with me and, combined with alcohol, was really knocking me around. My world was crumbling around me and I didn't know how to stop it. She helped me to the sofa, and after managing to kick my shoes off, I lay down before she could say anything more. I was vaguely aware of a blanket being placed over me, and a gentle hand touching my forehead before I finally drifted off.

When I woke up, I was slightly disoriented and my head was aching. The general misery that usually accompanied a hangover was lessened slightly by the sight of Vicki bringing me a cup of coffee. I even managed to grin.

"Hi there, pretty lady. Sorry about this..." I was more than a little embarrassed, but Vicki simply smiled at me. I wondered suddenly if I'd done the right thing in coming here, but I didn't know what else to do and she was making me feel very welcome.

"Hey, David. Good to see you that you've rejoined the land of the living. Would you like to shower and freshen up? Here's some coffee first, I'm sure you need it."

I reached for it gratefully. "Thanks. I'm sorry."

"You don't need to apologize for anything. I want you to freshen up and then we can talk. It's nearly eleven o'clock, but my guess is that you're not feeling too much like breakfast."

I made a face. "No thanks."

"Have your shower and we can talk. If you want to." She looked away, as if embarrassed herself.

"Yeh, I guess I owe you that." I moved to get up, but she put her hand on my arm.

"No, David, you don't owe me anything. If anything it's the other way around. But I don't like to see you like this, hurting. If I thought this was normal behavior for you, I would never have brought you home, I've had more than enough of drunks. But you're a sweet and gentle man, David, and something is going on with you and I want to help if I can. You've done so much for me and I'd like to help you."

I grimaced as I moved to get up.

"Here are some clothes I found in the back of my closet. They belonged to Lloyd, but he definitely won't be using them again. I'm not even sure why I've still got them. Clean up and I'm sure you'll feel better soon."

I looked at her, realizing she meant more than just having a shower and I smiled at her gently. She couldn't begin to know that I wasn't about to feel better. How could I, when I felt like I'd cut off my arm?

"Thanks."

The shower did improve my mood, although I was still feeling a huge aching emptiness in my heart, which I now accepted would stay with me for a long time. It wasn't easy to leave your other half, but I'd certainly taken the first step. I guess I just had to take each day slowly, and pray that it would get easier. As I put on Lloyd's clothes, I remembered Vicki's ex-husband, and how he'd been an alcoholic and caused her trouble. I wondered if he was still around. We had a lot of talking and catching up to do.

"Better?" She was waiting with more coffee.

"Yeh, thanks." I sat down. "Vicki, I'm really sorry about this. I needed a friendly face and I was here in Vegas..."

"David, stop. No more apologies please, but I do have some questions for you if you're feeling up to talking. What are you doing here, and where is Ken?"

I sighed, not knowing where to start. "It's kind of a long story, Vick."

"That's okay, I've got all the time in the world. I've actually got a few days off work now, so we don't even need to worry about that."

Once I started, it all came pouring out, and I couldn't seem to stop. Gunther's shooting, how it had changed my life forever and how I couldn't seem to get past it, even though I was now physically recovered. How I'd left Hutch because it had seemed the best thing to do, how he had a new life to get on with and that I didn't seem to fit in anymore. Everything was different now and I didn't know how to adjust. I wasn't jealous that he'd found happiness, because no one in the world deserved it more than my partner, particularly after everything we'd been through together and everything he'd done for me. It was just that I didn't know what I was going to do, and I felt displaced and disoriented.

I even explained how I'd had doubts about being his back-up, about whether I was still up to it or not, although they had lessened a little with our recent ordeal. However, it still boiled down to the fact that I didn't have the confidence I once had, and I couldn't risk being with Hutch anymore, as the price was too high if I failed. Even though I had managed with this last situation, I wasn't sure how many more crises I could face, especially if he was at risk because of me. Although I'd always wanted to be a cop, I couldn't do it anymorenot with Hutch, or without him. I couldn't imagine being partners with anyone else, and I believed that the time had come to make some major changes. I knew he loved me, I couldn't doubt how much he cared as he'd shown it time and time again. It's just that I wasn't sure I deserved his unstinting support and love, not when he ended up in danger because of me. He deserved the opportunity to have a family, but my presence even put that at risk. I didn't want to talk about Louise and I'd already said more than I'dintended to.

When I finished, the silence was heavy, as Vicki tried to absorb all I'd said. At some point, my tears had started again, but she just sat there in silent sympathy with me. I was astonished at how open I was being with her and how I was telling her everything. I never found it easy to open my heart, not to anyone but Hutch. Perhaps it was the fact that she knew him, and had known me and thee before all this crap, that made it easy. Perhaps it was her instant and warm sympathy, or perhaps I just felt so alone and desperate now, that I needed to reach out to someone, despite it not being the normal thing for me to do. Hell, nothing was normal anymore, not since I'd walked out on Hutch.

"David, I'm so sorry about the shooting. Oh, honey, that's awful!" I could tell by the note in her voice that she wasn't just being polite, that she was really sorry. So many people had said they were sorry, but most were just being polite. I knew she meant it and it warmed me more than I could acknowledge. "I wish I'd known."

"Nothin' much you could do. Hutch was there, and he held me together during the rough days. I just wanted to give up at times when the pain was so bad, but he was always there, refusing to let me. Dunno if I would've made it without him."

"Then why isn't he helping you now? I remember your friendship and I know how much you mean to each other. You don't even have to tell me how much you care about each other, I remember it very well. So, David, why have you shut him out now, when you need him more than ever?"

I looked at her blankly. "Things have changed and I've realized that he's gotta move on..."

"Without you? What exactly has changed, honey? You were hurt badly, very badly, and you've just told me that Hutch helped you get through it. You're still hurting, but Hutch isn't helping you this time. That's definitely changed. I don't get it David, I don't understand why you've shut him out. You know what? I bet he doesn't either."

Why didn't she understand? I couldn't risk being Hutch's partner anymore. It was time to move on, even though it was nearly destroying me. I had to get on with my life, so that he could, for we couldn't live like we had, our past lives were over. Why couldn't she understand?

"Things change, Vicki, you know that. People move on, and perhaps it's time for Hutch and me to do that. Maybe we should've moved on after the shooting, but I'd been too selfish to let him go. I have to face facts that life has changed forever, and I can't pretend it hasn't, or that it can go back to what it had been. I wish it could." Oh, God, I wished it could.

"Why is it time to move on? Because you're scared? Scared of getting hurt again, or of Hutch going through what you have?"

I got angry then. "Hutch can't ever go through what I've gone through! GOD, VICKI! The thought that he'd suffer this agony kills me all over again."

"Tell me then, because I really want to know. How will your leaving him without a partner stop it from happening to him? Seems to me he needs a back-up, a partner he can trust, and you're leaving him on his own."

"Not on his own. He's getting married and has a new life. Louise will look after him..."

"On the streets? She's a cop is she? David, you know what's going on here, don't you? You're scared and feeling like you've lost your life, but instead of turning to the one person who can help you, you've chosen to walk out. It's a natural response but it's based on fear. Fear of seeing your partner hurt and of being hurt again. I don't blame you for that, because you've experienced first hand the agony, but you can't make these decisions on your own. You've been through a terrible ordeal and, of course, life has changed for you. Instead of just accepting that and getting on with things, you've rejected your past life. Not only that, you've not just rejected being a cop, you've rejected your partner, only I'm still not sure I understand why. Why are you so determined that he has to move away from you to get married? Most people get married. Sure their lives change, that's only right and natural, but why do you have to walk out on him for this to happen?"

"Maybe..." I was suddenly looking at this from a different perspective. In the midst of my pain and confusion, it had seemed the best thing to do, but Vicki was making me look at this differently. She was certainly being persistent, but I found that I was listening to what she was saying, almost unwillingly. I didn't want to be told I'd made a mistake, but that was the message I was receiving.

"No maybe! I understand, sweetheart. I understand that you're scared, but Hutch must be, too. Even if you give up being a cop, there's no reason to shut out your best friend. I've seen your friendship in action, David, and you don't throw something like that away, not ever. So few people are blessed enough to have such a friendship. Are you scared he doesn't need you anymore? Is that it? You'd rather leave on your terms, than have him tell you to go? Do you really think he'd ever tell you to go? He must be a different man than the one I knew if that's the case."

I was taken aback. She and I were talking, but why couldn't she hear what I was saying. I wasn't scared that Hutch would tell me to go, I knew he wouldn't. That's why I had to make the decision for us. So he could move on with his new life, which would involve a wife and kids.

"He'd never tell me to go. I know that and he knows that. But we're each other's greatest weakness and the bad guys know that to get to one of us, they should aim for the other. I'm so tired, Vicki, so tired of him gettin' hurt because of me."

"Greatest weakness, eh? Wonder what Ken would say to that. You've been making all the decisions for him."

"Maybe, but he's got the chance for a good life, a happy life with a wife and family, but she's not gonna..."

"Not gonna what? If she loved Ken, really loved Ken, she wouldn't mess with your friendship. You might be each other's greatest weakness, but you're also each other's greatest strength. Where did you lose sight of that? You've got to talk about this, you can't just make these decisions for both of you on your own, especially when you're so upset and hurting. As for the future Mrs. Hutchinson, it seems to me that Ken has a problem there that he will need to sort out, too, and he might just need your support to get through it." She paused for a moment, allowing me to think about what she'd said. Her persistence was getting through.

There were a few moments of silence, as I tried to understand what she was saying. Had I been wrong all along? No, I hadn't, but maybe I should have spoken to Hutch first.

"Well, David. What do you say? Wanna call him? I think you both have a lot to talk about."

I looked at her with tears in my eyes. "No, I need to think." It was too much, too soon. I'd just laid myself open and she was making me look at things differently, but I couldn't change direction that quickly. I needed to think, and to absorb what she'd said, and decide whether or not she was right or wrong. I wasn't sure she was right, but she didn't seem totally wrong either. God, I was in such a mess.

Vicki looked disappointed but she smiled at me. "Okay, David. We'll just have a nice visit and not make any decisions, but promise me you won't disappear on me. I'll show you Las Vegas, and you take some time out and think about things. Do you really want to be without your friend and partner? I don't think you do. I think you're hurting and you need him, but you've decided you need to be punished for some reason, or that you're not worthy of his friendship. I think you should ask him about that and see what he says. That's his decision to make, not yours. I also think his marriage is threatening you and increasing your fears. Ken's shooting hasn't helped, but all you need to do is to TALK to him. Don't shut him out and don't feel less than worthy of his friendship. You are BOTH very lucky to have the other. I want you to think about what I've said David, but we won't talk about this again until you're ready. I do wish you'd consider calling him. He must be out of his mind with worry. If you doubt that, then just think for a moment what you'd feel like. Now I'm going to get changed and then we'll go out for a drive. Carrie is going to love meeting you."

I watched her leave, quite taken aback by her rational approach. She was right, I was punishing myself, but I was hurting someone very important to me, too. I couldn't bring myself to phone him, not until I knew what to say to him and at that moment I didn't have a clue.

Hutch

I couldn't believe it, there was no sign that Starsky had even been near his place. His car was still with Merle and all his personal belongings were still in the apartment. I sank down into the sofa and looked at Dobey in despair. What now?

"Okay, Hutchinson, doesn't look like he was here, does it? Where would he go? Would he go back to New York?"

I shook my head. "Doubt it, he's never expressed a desire to go back..." But he'd never expressed a wish to leave before, either, was the thought that popped into my mind.

"Perhaps you should call his mother..."

"Not sure that's such a good idea, Cap'n. What do I say? Where's your son, Mrs. Starsky? If he's not there, she'll panic and I can't do that to her. He never wants her to know anything, even when he really is in trouble..." My voice trailed off. He was in trouble, terrible trouble. Maybe not the usual sort, with a maniac after him, but with his own personal demons. I rubbed my eyes, knowing I had no idea where to look for him. Nothing had prepared me for this and I just didn't know what to do. My shoulder ached and I was bone tired.

"If he did go home, you'll at least know he's there and safe."

I shook my head more firmly. I didn't know why I was so positive that Starsky wouldn't return to New York, but I was. He was avoiding me, and he'd have to know that would be the first place I'd look.

"Think, Hutchinson. No one knows him as well as you do!"

I smiled weakly. That was true and reminded me of the time we'd tested each other and tried to hide from the other. I'd nearly died from botulism of all things, but he'd found me and saved me. He'd even staged his own shooting to get me to come out, and I had. Of course, I had to find out whether he was okay, neither of us doubted that, and it had been a very clever ploy on his part. I'd sort of suspected it was a trick, so I hadn't come right out of hiding and had gone to the hospital in disguise. I had to establish that he was okay and once I'd discovered he was, and that it had been a trick, I had gone back into hiding. That was a mistake on my part for I'd been dangerously ill. However, he had still managed to track me down and save my life. Now it was my turn, and the stakes were just as high. I couldn't begin to imagine my life without him.

"He's hurting pretty badly. I guess he'd want to be distracted and might look for a friendly face. The problem is, I don't know who he'd go to. He's trying to avoid me, so he'd do the least obvious thing." I was so tired, all I wanted to do was go to sleep but how could I sleep or even think about it? I knew I had to find my partner.


	19. Chapter Nineteen

CHAPTER 19

Starsky

Vicki was proving to be a soothing influence on my wounded spirit, and despite my depression, I did find myself responding to her warmth and infectious sense of humor. After our heavy conversation, she seemed determined to cheer me up and I tried, I really did. I've always thought there is nothing worse than a miserable visitor, but I was still missing my best friend so very much. I kept looking for him, to share laughter, but he wasn't there. She seemed to understand that I couldn't talk about him anymore and set about showing me the sights of Las Vegas. I found myself wondering how the Vegas PD were progressing with the Satanists, but reminded myself that it had nothing to do with me anymore. But it was easier than wondering how Hutch was, and certainly hurt less. It wasn't going to be easy to let go.

Vicki started telling me about her life and it was good to have something else to focus on. Over the last few months, she'd become involved with Steve Michaels, an insurance salesman who wanted to marry her. She hadn't made up her mind yet, as she was very wary of men since her unfortunate marriage to Lloyd. She thought she probably loved Steve, and the relationship between Steve and Carrie was a good one, but she couldn't bring herself to commit to him. Steve was out of town for a week or so and she was trying to make a decision.

I was a bit worried about her vagueness and tension with the mention of Lloyd, but shrugged it off as a problem to be looked at later. I had enough on my plate as it was, but if she needed my help, I would certainly provide it. Since she wanted to see her daughter, we were going to visit Boulder City, where Carrie still lived with her grandmother. Carrie was now twelve and perfectly healthy, as Vicki informed me proudly. She smiled at me as she spoke, both of us realizing it was the money we'd sent her that had helped achieve this. I shrugged off her gratitude, not needing it. If anything was owed, Vicki had more than repaid it by the kindness she was now showing me. I wished Hutch were here to see her and I wished, yet again, that I could turn back the clock.

"Carrie!" A pretty girl came racing out at the sound of our car and threw herself into Vicki's arms. I stood back, enjoying seeing the deep bond that existed between them.

"Mom! I'm so glad you're here. What a lovely surprise! Nanna went shopping, but Marta is here and Daddy is coming over later."

I looked at Vicki, not surprised to see the color fade from her face. There was definitely something going on with Lloyd, but if he was still bullying her, I would sort him out. I was good for that much, anyway.

"Daddy's coming? That's nice, sweetheart. This is David, my friend."

"Hello, Carrie" I held out my hand to her and was rather surprised to find that she wasn't shy at all and grabbed my hand.

"Hello, David. Nice to meet you." I grinned at her and at her mother. If Hutch were here, this would be so great. Our winnings had been put to good use for good people.

"Carrie, I've bought you a new carriage for your train set. Why don't you go set it up. I just need to have a word with David."

"Yes, Mom. THANKS!" She grinned slyly. "You want to talk to him privately, that's okay. Don't forget Daddy is coming." She grabbed the package and skipped back to the house.

"No, sweetheart, I won't forget." I was alarmed at the fear I saw in Vicki's face.

"David, this is terrible. Lloyd will have a fit when he sees you here."

"Does he still give you trouble? You sorta skipped over the subject before."

"I know, and I'm sorry. He still sees Carrie when he's sober, but other than that I prefer to ignore his existence. Every now and again trouble flares up, usually when he's been drinking. Things were good for awhile, when he was seeing another woman, but after he broke up with Diane, he started drinking heavily again. He's not going to be pleased to see you here. Perhaps we should go."

"Vicki, you want to spend time with your daughter. If it will make it easier for you, I'll clear out…" Suddenly I was feeling vulnerable again, but I wasn't about to bring trouble to another friend of mine.

"David! Enough of that! I can handle him, but I don't want him to embarrass you. It might be best if we leave but then again, he's got to learn that we've got different lives now. You come on in. You'll love Carrie. Just be prepared for trouble if Lloyd does make an appearance. Oh, and he doesn't know about Steve. Well, he's never brought him up. I wonder sometimes if Carrie has mentioned him, but she's never said anything. I don't like to bring her into our arguments, so I try to stay neutral when talking about her daddy. For all his faults, he does love Carrie and she loves him."

I just grinned at her and agreed, but I was uneasily aware that she was still tense. She might feel confident that she could cope with Lloyd, but there was still an element of fear in her. I suspected she wasn't being entirely honest with me, but we had time to sort it out. I wondered if this was part of the reason she wouldn't commit to Steve. We made our way toward the house.

"You like trains, David?" I turned toward her.

"Trains? You bet! My partner…" I faltered as yet another memory of Hutch came back. "Yes, Vicki, I do like trains."

Vicki rubbed my arm. "That's great because Carrie will run you ragged. She may look like an angel, but she's a real tomboy. Come on, I'll send Marta home and we can have a nice afternoon. You go play with the trains and I'm going to make a few phone calls." She must have read my face, because I suddenly wondered what Steve, her almost fiancé, would think about this.

"Don't worry about Steve. He's a good man and knows the help that you and Ken…" I noticed her slip over the name. What was the use, I could never escape him. "What I'm trying to say, is that he'll be okay with this. After all, you're not planning on seducing me are you?"

I jumped at that. No I hadn't planned on seduction, but her comment reminded me yet again of how much I had changed. I couldn't bring myself to get involved with a woman, not while I was still feeling so low and not while my chest looked like a train track. That wasn't going to change in the near future. I started to shake. Just what was there for me anymore? Her innocent comment had been a sharp reminder of the bleak future I was facing.

"David, what is it? David, talk to me." She grabbed my arms and turned me around to face her. "We're friends, are you looking for more?"

I pulled away from her suddenly. "No, Vicki! I promise you that isn't it at all. It's just…" I found myself starting to break down again and could almost feel her concern. Fortunately, I was saved from saying any more by the arrival of Carrie bounding down the stairs, very excited about her train set.

"MOM! It's so cool, thanks a lot!" It was wonderful to see how well she could move and how happy she was.

"You're welcome, honey. I thought you'd appreciate it. Hey, David here likes trains. Why don't you take him upstairs?"

"YOU LIKE TRAINS? Come on!" I was lost as I was dragged upstairs.

"I'll go see Marta, and perhaps give her the afternoon off. I also need to make some phone calls. You two enjoy yourselves, and, Carrie, you play nice with David. Oh, and, David, we will talk later, I promise."

Hutch

I had totally exhausted myself with the mad dash from Las Vegas and now to find that Starsky hadn't even been home, brought me to the brink of despair. I'd phoned Huggy and Merle, but neither had heard from him and I was confused and unsure of what to do next. Part of me mocked myself for my indecision, but the pain was blurring my mind--not just physical pain either. Dobey had returned to the precinct, but he'd said that he'd come back. He wanted me to rest, my body wanted me to rest, but my heart was protesting and I knew it was important that I find my partner. I tried to put myself in his place, but for the first time since I'd met him, I couldn't do it. I had to face the facts that I had no idea what he was thinking, feeling or doing. The Starsky I knew and loved would not have walked out on our partnership. Even the Starsky who'd been so grumpy during his long recovery wouldn't have walked away. Why hadn't I recognized how much he was still hurting?

I must have fallen asleep, despite my anxiety, because I was brought to my senses suddenly by a loud knocking on the door. I jumped up and realized I must have been asleep for a couple of hours. I staggered to the door, hoping it would bring news of my missing partner. It was Dobey, looking serious.

"Cap'n?" I tried rubbing my eyes, wishing again that I hadn't been shot and didn't hurt so much. "Is it Starsky? Have you heard something?"

"There was a phone message for you at the precinct from a Vicki in Las Vegas. She said she'd found something you might be looking for."

"STARSKY!" Of course! He'd stayed in Vegas, knowing I would return here. He'd looked up Vicki, the showgirl that we'd helped and who'd always got along well with him. Why hadn't I guessed that this is what he'd do? I hadn't thought of Vicki for a long time now, but Starsky obviously had.

"I'm gonna kill him, Captain." I could barely keep my eyes open. "Gotta go back to Vegas."

"Hutchinson, you're dead on your feet. Why don't I book you on the first flight tomorrow morning and you get a good night's sleep?"

I looked blearily at him, realizing I had reached the end of my tether and at least I knew where Starsky was. If Vicki had bothered to phone me, she must be looking after him. Was it such a bad idea to get some sleep? Starsky was safe, he was with someone who cared about him, so I should be able to take the opportunity to rest, but I had a nagging feeling that I should find him as soon as I could.

"No, Captain. I'll sleep on the plane. I've got a strong feeling I should be on the next flight to Vegas and I can't ignore it."

"You're as stubborn as your partner. At least sit down while I find out when the next flight is." I smiled gratefully at my captain. My body ached and I was totally exhausted, but somehow I'd find the strength to get on the plane and catch up with Starsky. Then I'd kill him for putting me through this.


	20. Chapter Twenty

CHAPTER 20

Starsky

Normally, I would have thoroughly enjoyed playing with Carrie's trains, and she had quite an impressive set, but my heart wasn't in it. She was a lovely little girl and her smile reminded me of her mother. Fortunately, she was enjoying herself too much to realize that my enjoyment was half-hearted at best. I remembered playing trains with another young girl, Lisa Graham, and Hutch had been with me. Not playing trains, but sitting back teasing me, and calling me an overgrown child. I tried to pull myself together. Naturally everything was going to remind me of my partner, at least for awhile and I couldn't afford to go to pieces every time I thought of him. I hadn't noticed when Vicki joined us, but when I looked up, she was sitting on a chair watching us. I grinned at her and continued to play. The doorbell rang. Grimacing, Vicki got up. I figured that Lloyd had arrived.

The sound of voices indicated that they were heading up the stairs, and I stood up, ready to greet him.

"DADDY!" Carrie jumped up and hugged her father. Her pleasure at seeing him diffused the tension that sprang up the moment he'd seen me.

"Er, Lloyd, this is David, a friend from LA who's just visiting. David, this is Lloyd, I believe you'll remember him."

I grimaced, I'd ended up in the pool during our last encounter. So had Hutch, in an attempt to try to help me.

"I remember. Nice to see you again, under more pleasant circumstances." I was determined to be polite, despite his barely concealed hostility.

"Daddy, David likes trains and we've been playing. Do you want to join us?"

He smiled at his daughter and I realized that, despite his difficulties, he did share a bond with his little girl.

"Actually, I've just remembered that I've got another appointment, darlin'. Sorry."

"Daddy, you promised you'd visit."

"Sorry, sweetie. What about if I come back later, and we spend some time alone." Carrie looked disappointed.

"Let me show you the picture I did at school first. It's downstairs but I'll bring it up. David and Mom would like to see it, too."

It was very obvious he was running out because I was there. I felt that it should be me to leave but, before I could say anything, Vicki had her say, waiting until Carrie left the room.

"Lloyd, you can stay if you want. Carrie's been looking forward to your visit. Why don't you stay and we'll go back. I'd only planned on a drop in visit." Some drop in, I thought, a two-hour drive, but I didn't want to cause trouble and Vicki obviously knew the best thing to do.

"You could stay, Vicki, and we could have a family afternoon." His glare toward me was unmistakable.

"I'm sorry, Lloyd, I, er, I've got to work tonight…" I tried not to react to her words. I knew that she didn't for she'd told me that morning she had a few days off. "You have a nice visit with our daughter and I'll see you next time." She was as cool as a cucumber, but the hostility coming from Lloyd was unmistakable.

"Okay, me and Carrie'll play trains. Your ma home?"

"No, she's out shopping but will be back later. Marta is still here. We're going."

Vicki fairly ran down the stairs, and I followed closely.

"I've got to stop Marta from leaving. She's the housekeeper here and I've given her the afternoon off. Wait here, David, and I'll go see if she's still here."

A few minutes later, Vicki returned, looking a lot more relaxed.

"She's here and will stay in. I told her I'd make it up to her sometime. God knows what we'd do if she left. She's wonderful with Carrie and keeping house. Carrie gone upstairs to her dad?"

"Yeh, she went up when you were talking to Marta."

"I'll just say goodbye and then we'll be off."

I suspected that she wanted to escape from Lloyd and I couldn't blame her, as the tension was thick since he'd arrived.

A few minutes later, we were driving down the road and she pulled over.

"I'm sorry David. I saw how he looked when he saw you and I figured we'd best get out of there. As long as Marta is around, I'm not worried about his behavior with Carrie. He really does love her and even at his angriest, he's never shown any hint at wanting to hit her. If he'd been drinking, I wouldn't let him near her, but sober, he's as loving as any dad."

"But he's hit you."

"A few times, yeah, but hey, I'm a survivor."

"Are you sure…?" I couldn't continue, not wanting to plant doubts in her mind.

"About him and Carrie? Yeah, I'm sure. He doesn't even like her to see him angry and even at his drunkest, she seems to have a calming influence on him. If he'd walked in on you at my place, things could have become ugly. He'd never do anything to put her at risk and I've got to believe that. Diane, his recent woman, was great. She seemed able to keep him off the alcohol, in a way that I never could. I was very sorry when they broke up, because he started sniffing around again and trying to make like we're a happy family."

"Is that why you've not committed to Steve? From what you've told me about him, he's a good man and you do seem to love him. Forgive me if I'm sticking my nose where it doesn't belong, but Lloyd is obviously causing you some trouble still." It was a nice change to be thinking of something other than my own all-consuming problems.

She smiled at me. "Yes, he is. I'm scared what he will do if he thinks I'm seriously involved with another man. If he thinks he's losing his daughter and she's getting another father, well… Yes, I am scared, David. Before you suggest a restraining order, I've tried it and it isn't worth the paper it's written on. Besides I don't want to cut Carrie off from her father. He is a problem, but I don't want to think about him. I'm still worried about you, David, and I want you to talk to me." She paused and I braced myself.

"Okay, but can we get back to your place first?"

She grinned. "Right, but you're not getting away with avoiding the subject. We'll go back and then we'll sit down and talk again. At least it's a nice day for a drive."

"Carrie's terrific, Vicki. You've done a great job with her." I wanted to lighten the conversation while I could.

"Thanks, David. She is great, but I'm not sure how much credit I can take. My mom's terrific and she spends more time with her really. I've cut back on a lot of the extra hours I was working, but I still don't have enough time with her."

"It seems to me, you're doing fine." We lapsed into a comfortable silence and I found myself relaxing again. Whatever it was about Vicki, she had the right influence on me and I could almost believe that everything was okay. As long as I didn't think too deeply, or turn around to talk to Hutch.

Hutch

Unfortunately, we couldn't get seats on a flight until early the next morning. I was anxious to get back but Dobey was right, driving overnight wouldn't achieve that much more. It was pretty late now and even if we drove straight through, we wouldn't be there until eight am. The flight got us in at eight-thirty and my body was screaming for rest. There was nothing I could do but I decided to stay at Starsky's place. I knew Louise wouldn't have returned yet, but even the thought of facing her things was too much for me. I needed to concentrate on Starsky and how to get him back. Staying in his apartment brought him nearer to me again, especially as I looked at all of the photos around the place. So many of the two of us, of Terry, of his parents, and even a small one of his no-hoper brother, Nick. Nick was dead now, having been killed several years ago. Poor Starsk had been devastated. He'd never had the relationship he should have had with his brother, but it was too late now. He told me I was his brother in every way that counted, which made it even more difficult for me to comprehend that he'd walked out on me. As I got undressed and at last allowed my exhausted body to sink into Starsky's comfortable bed, I hoped he was still okay and that I'd catch up with him in the morning.

I thought back to Vicki and how she and Starsky had become friends. She was certainly stunning to look at, and turned out to be a very nice person, too. I'd been surprised at the time that Starsky hadn't tried to keep in closer contact with her, but he'd just shrugged and said they were friends. I wasn't sure I believed him, but there had been no question of the fact that he'd never actively pursued her. The odd phone call every now and again. Then he'd met Terry and she'd obviously been the one for him. The perfect woman for Starsky who'd loved us both and never tried to control him. Not for the first time, I cursed Prudholm and the rotten luck that seemed to follow us around. Terry could have helped him through this. Or could she? Surely I should be able to help him and he'd shut me out. It still stunned me that he'd actually left, without saying goodbye. In a few hours' time, I'd have all the answers I needed, because I was going to demand that he talk to me.


	21. Chapter Twenty One

CHAPTER 21

Starsky

It was late by the time we got back to Vicki's apartment and we were both tired. We'd stopped for a meal and chatted comfortably. I was still looking for Hutch at times, but I was enjoying her company and she was very entertaining. I still had the remnants of a headache that I always got as a result of drinking too much, but I could tell she wanted to talk and wasn't about to give up.

"Okay, David," she handed me a cup of coffee and sat down next to me. "I think it's time we talked some more."

"Anything in particular?" I decided to play ignorant. The mealtime chat had been lighthearted and I'd hoped that I'd be let off the hook.

"Funny boy! What else is going on with you? I was joking about the seduction, but you jumped as if I'd shot you… Oops, sorry." She was clearly apologizing for the unfortunate choice of words but I just grinned at her. It wasn't talking about my shooting that hurt, it was everything else.

"What's going on with you, David? Am I so unattractive?"

I couldn't help but smile at that ridiculous comment. "Come on, Vicki. You know you're not."

"You know what caught my attention about you in the first place? You were so embarrassed to find yourself in a room full of scantily clad women. That was very refreshing to me, but I never thought you were all that innocent! You just seemed like a little boy in a candy store. When I got to know you better, I realized you were a lovely, sweet man, but again, not as innocent as you appear. Come on, David. Who are you kidding? That killer smile, those baby blues. So what gives? Does the thought of a relationship with a woman scare you? Why?"

I shrugged, but I was amused by her assessment of my character. How Hutch would laugh. "Already told you Vicki, that things are different now, and I'm not so comfortable with women…"

"David Starsky! What the hell are you talking about?" I was startled at her curse but found myself responding to her. She was certainly determined to get answers from me.

"I got shot, Vicki, in the chest and abdomen--three times. I'm not exactly the catch of the year." I looked away, not wanting to see the pity in her eyes. I was feeling quite sorry enough for myself. Somehow, putting it into words made it sound sort of silly. There was nothing silly about what I looked like now. I had many scars from over the years, but the damage that Gunther's bullets had done was extensive. There wasn't much clear skin on my chest now, and I couldn't help but feel self conscious.

"I do not believe you, David! I knew you were feeling down on yourself, but how can you doubt yourself so much? Is that how you think people judge you? On what you look like? You must know some pretty shallow people, and I don't mean Ken."

"Are you telling me you wouldn't be repulsed by this?" I was shaking as I lifted my shirt, for the first time showing someone other than medical staff, or Hutch, my scars. I was determined to make my point.

She touched my chest gently, tracing the scars with her finger.

"Oh, David, you were badly hurt, and I wish I could take that away from you. But this doesn't change you, the real you. The kind and gentle man that helped me and my daughter. The wonderful, fiercely loyal friend and partner to your partner. You're the same inside. I know that, I'm sure Ken knows that, too. How can you doubt it?"

I found myself breaking down again at the sincerity in her voice. There was no repulsion, only warm sincerity and caring. Had I been wrong all along? As I felt her arms wrap around me, I allowed her words to sink in. Oh, God, what had I done? Finally, the curtain of gloom that had enveloped me was lifting and Vicki, with her bright, unbiased outlook, was forcing me to take a long, hard look at myself. But I was not the same, or was I? I took refuge in her arms and allowed her warmth to comfort me.

Finally, breaking the embrace, I looked into her lovely face and smiled warmly at her. "I guess you think I've been pretty stupid…"

Her hand touched my mouth. "Shhh. No, David, not stupid, just very badly hurt. It's time to sort yourself out…" She was interrupted by the sound of her door being smashed in and we both jumped up in horror as Lloyd, obviously drunk, forced his way into the living area, glaring at the two of us on the sofa.

Hutch

I was still very tired the next morning, despite having slept heavily. Normally I would have spent the night tossing and turning but, I'd really pushed myself to my limits. Also, I did have some peace of mind knowing where Starsky was. I only hoped that he'd still be there. I showered and dressed as quickly as I could. My wound was still very sore and I knew I'd have trouble with it, but my priority was getting to my stubborn partner. There was a knock on the door and I staggered to it, very pleased to see Huggy who greeted me with concern. I guess I looked a sight even after my sleep, but I just grinned and we headed off to the airport. Dobey hadn't been able to return with me but he'd arranged for Huggy to accompany me, no doubt worried that I'd drive myself into a collapse. It wasn't all that unlikely, since I was definitely still worn out physically, not to mention the extreme anxiety I was feeling. I was grateful for the concern Dobey was showing, and for Huggy's willingness to come with me. I was truly blessed with good friends. The flight was uneventful, with Huggy seemingly realizing that I wasn't up to talking much. I glanced at him and I could see the tension in his face, reminding me that I wasn't the only one who loved Starsky. He and Starsky had been friends for a long time, too. I patted his arm.

"It's okay, Hug. We'll find him and bring him home."

"What if he doesn't want to come home? Have you thought about that, Hutch?" I looked at the concern in Huggy's eyes and I realized his concern wasn't just for Starsky.

"He's got some stuff going on, Hug, I know that. I don't much care if he doesn't want to come back to the department, but he's still going to come home…" I couldn't continue, not wanting to face the facts that my fears about this were very strong. I didn't know what I would do if he refused, but I knew that we'd at least talk and somehow I wouldn't lose him.

We had landed in Las Vegas on time and caught a taxi to Vicki's apartment. Please let him be there, please! Chaotic thoughts were racing through my mind, as we left the taxi and made our way into the building. Finally, we arrived and I was suddenly very nervous. What if he was angry with me? Then again, it was me who had reason to be angry and I was going to make him understand that.

I knocked on the door, after exchanging a glance with Huggy. Huggy hadn't been sure about coming all the way with me, but I could see he was still concerned about my condition, and to be honest, I knew I'd need him to keep me going if Starsky had left. No answer. I closed my eyes in defeat, after a second knock brought no response. I turned toward Huggy to speak when he indicated that I should keep quiet. I listened carefully. There was definitely someone in there, I could hear something. Groaning--muffled, but definitely groaning--and the sound of something falling moved me to action. I turned the door handle, surprised it wasn't locked, and what I saw took my breath away. Vicki, sitting on the sofa, bound and gagged, looking at me desperately. Her apartment was totally trashed and my partner, my best friend in the whole world, was tied to a chair and gagged, bleeding from a wound on his head and, judging by the angle of his head, unconscious. I raced over to Starsky and I guess Huggy went to untie Vicki, because as the gag was removed she started talking to me. I was barely aware of her, as I carefully removed the gag from Starsky's mouth and checked over him quickly for other injuries. I lifted his head gently and could see he was unconscious. I untied his wrists and ankles, wincing with pain as I saw how the belts had cut into his wrists.

"Call an ambulance, Huggy!"

"Oh, Ken, I'm so glad you're here! Lloyd came in last night and went crazy! He panicked when he knocked David out, and left us here. We've been here for hours like this and I don't think David's good."

She'd moved over to me, and between us we laid Starsky on the ground. My handswereshaking as I touched his face, trying to see if he showed any signs of consciousness.

"How long has he been unconscious?" My voice was husky with fright, realizing he could have serious injuries.

"He's been in and out, showing signs of confusion and agitation. He couldn't move much, being tied down, but he did get really agitated a couple of times. I think he was calling for you, Ken, but it was muffled. We've been tied up for about five hours. Lloyd came in drunk and threw me against the wall. I was stunned and couldn't move when David tried to stop him from hitting me again. I don't think he meant to hurt David, because he really panicked when he fell. He pushed David and he fell, hitting his head hard on the coffee table. He tried to rouse him, but it didn't work and he tied him up. I tried to stop him but…" I looked into her lovely face, noticing for the first time the bruises on her face.

"It's okay, Vicki. It'll be okay. Hug?"

"Yeah, Hutch, the ambulance is on the way." I watched as Huggy led Vicki over to a chair and sat her down. I just sat there, cradling Starsky's head, talking to him, although I knew he wasn't conscious. "Dear God, please don't let me lose him, not now. I'll take better care of him, I promise, I'll make sure he knows how much I love him." I must have spoken aloud, but I hadn't been aware of it.

"He knows, Ken, believe me, he knows." I looked at Vicki, wishing I could believe her, but before I could put my thoughts into words, the ambulance arrived and I found myself being gently pushed out of the way. I watched as they started to check Starsky's vitals, trying to stay calm by taking deep breaths. He had to be okay, he just had to be.

Suddenly, Starsky got agitated again and started hitting out, almost as if in a panic. The paramedics tried to calm him down, but he was oblivious. They'd brought a gurney in and I realized they were going to apply restraints to him.

"We're going to have to restrain him. We can't risk sedation in view of his head injury, but…"

I couldn't stand it and I pushed my way past, grabbing one of his flailing hands, ignoring the annoyed gasp of one of the paramedics.

"Easy, Starsk, easy, babe. It'll be okay, I'm here. They're not gonna hurt you, no one's gonna hurt you." He calmed down almost instantly, although he showed no other signs of realizing I was there.

"You don't need to restrain him, he's not violent. He's just confused, that's all." I held on tightly to his hand, willing him to stay calm.

"Sorry, sir, but we will have to restrain him. If he acts up in the ambulance, it could be dangerous for us as well as him. But you can ride in the ambulance with him." I just stared at the paramedic. I'd had no intention of not going in the ambulance, but I realized they were only trying to help him.

Vicki was assuring the other paramedic that she was fine and would meet us at the hospital. She'd come in with Huggy. I looked at her in gratitude and followed my partner to the ambulance.


	22. Chapter Twenty Two

CHAPTER 22

Hutch

Another hospital and another waiting room. How many more would I have to wait in, how many more times would my partner cause me anxious moments? Was it any easier to have a partner you didn't care so much about? I pulled myself up at that treacherous thought. The point was that it didn't matter. I'd give my life to keep him safe and I wouldn't swap him for anything. Even his most annoying habits weren't so bad. I just had to make him realize how important he was to me and that he couldn't just quit on us. I wondered how we'd become so lost, had I really missed the signs of how much he was hurting? Had it been because of Louise? Because I'd become involved with her to the extent that I had ignored my best friend? I didn't think so, but I knew we had some serious issues to talk about.

I looked up at the sound of Vicki and Huggy approaching.

"Any news?" there was deep concern in Vicki's voice.

"Not yet. The doctor's in there now. Starsky came around briefly, but not for long. They're checking him out now."

"I'll grab us some coffee. blondie, you look like you could do with some." Huggy left us alone, probably realizing we had to talk.

I touched Vicki's bruised face gently. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I wasn't knocked out, just stunned. I guess David must've hit his head pretty hard."

"Fortunately, he's got a hard head." I tried to make a joke of it and sat back in the chair, trying to relax. We looked up as the doctor came out of the room and I was marginally relieved to see him smiling.

"Your friend is starting to come around. He was lucky he didn't fracture his skull, but he did sustain a nasty concussion and that's why he's been confused, and I believe has been combative. He's asking for someone, someone named Hutch."

I breathed in deeply with relief. He was okay, and he was asking for me. Surely this was a sign that things would be okay.

"I'm Hutch, can I see him?"

"Yes. I understand you helped calm him before, and he'll need to keep calm. We're going to keep him for observation for a few days, but with concussion, it's just a question of waiting for it to pass. I want him monitored in case of any complications, but I don't expect any. We'll have to do the standard waking him up every couple of hours, taking his vital signs, and I want him to rest, but I think your presence will help. He's going to have a tremendous headache for a while, and I expect he'll be sick to his stomach from the concussion."

I walked in, with Vicki and Huggy close behind, but all I could see was the pale dark-haired figure on the bed. All I could focus on was the slowly rousing figure of my best friend, and I took his hand and started talking to him, asking him to come back to me.

Starsky

My head was aching and I was confused. I felt sick and dazed and my memories were a blur. I seemed to be lying in a bed, a hospital bed, but I wasn't sure how I'd ended up here. I could hear a voice talking to me and asking me to wake up, but I knew I must have been dreaming it. Hutch wasn't there, but I really needed him. Why did I keep thinking he was there? It was a cruel mind trick and it only hurt me more when I realized he wasn't. But the familiar voice continued. I groaned, but realized I had to open my eyes. Ouch, the light hurt, everything hurt.

As I opened my eyes and tried to focus, my heart leapt when I thought I could see a blond head, but when I focused, all I could see was Vicki's worried face. At least she was safe. Hutch. I'd really felt like Hutch was there, and I closed my eyes in despair. This is what it was going to be like from now on if I was sick or hurt. No Hutch, but before the tears could form or I could speak to Vicki, I felt a familiar touch on my forehead and my hand being gripped. A firm, strong grip. A grip that I remembered only too well.

"Starsk? You okay, Starsk?" I could barely bring myself to open my eyes to face the disappointment of reality, but the voice and the grip were persistent. Hutch, he was really with me.

"Hutch, oh, Hutch…" I found the tears threatening again, but this time of joy and relief. Vicki leaned down and kissed me on the forehead.

"I'll be outside, David, you've got your partner here now. I'd better let the doctor know you're awake." I looked at her in gratitude. My head was still aching and things were blurry, but I could feel the strength and comfort of Hutch's presence. That's all I needed at that point.

"You okay, Vick?" My voice wasn't much more than a whisper, my memories that had brought me here, vague. The last clear memory I had was of eating dinner with Vicki. I gripped Hutch's hand tightly, scared he'd go, but he just returned the grip, making no attempt to leave.

"I'll be fine, and so will you. I'll talk to you later, honey." She left, and I was vaguely aware that Huggy was there, saying he'll see me later, but I was focusing on the familiar face looking at me so anxiously. I studied him carefully, noting the tired lines and paleness that indicated his worry and fatigue and I was sorry, sure that I'd been responsible for this.

"You okay, Hutch?"

"I'll be fine now, Starsk." He didn't seem to know what to say and I placed my other hand over his hand holding mine. I was so tired, but I knew then that I didn't want him to go and I didn't want to walk out on him again, even if I felt strong enough.

"Hu…" I was suddenly caught up in a yawn, needing to sleep again. Hutch leaned over and propped up my pillows.

"You just relax, buddy. We'll talk later." I was aware of more voices as the doctor entered my room.

"Glad to see you're back with us, Mr. Starsky. I just need to check some things out with you, perhaps your friend wouldn't mind waiting…"

"NO!" we spoke in unison, and even in my tiredness I managed to grin at my other half, and I gripped his hand.

"Easy, buddy, I'm not going anywhere." He gave a soft chuckle. "Nothing wrong with your grip, anyway. I'd like to stay if I can?"

The doctor obviously decided against arguing and proceeded to ask me the usual inane questions they asked when checking a concussion. I answered accurately, but was tiring rapidly.

"Okay, Mr. Starsky. That's fine for now and you can rest, but I'm sorry to say that we'll have to wake you up in a couple of hours for another check. You've sustained a nasty concussion and we can't take any chances." I turned to look at Hutch, fighting the sleepiness.

"You'll stay close?" I whispered to him.

"Yeah, buddy, I'm gonna stay. There's no way you're losing me that easily." I knew I had some explaining to do, but all I needed to know at that point was that he was with me still. I also needed to find out what had happened, but it didn't seem that important then. Despite my weakness and nausea, I felt at peace for the first time in days and I let myself slide into sleep.

Hutch

I watched my partner fall asleep. I'd tried to move my hand from his, but his grip was firm. That was okay by me, as I wanted to hold on, too. I was willing to suffer a bit of discomfort for the pure joy and relief I was feeling having him close again. Sure he was battered and in a hospital bed again, but he was here with me and I wasn't about to lose him again. I moved the chair closer to the bed so that I was more comfortable, and sat back to doze off. I knew Starsky would be very cranky at being woken up, but that was okay by me, too. As long as he was there, we could sort anything out.

A different doctor came by next time to wake us up. This one was very officious, and despite glares and determination, he insisted on examining Starsky alone. I could see that my attitude was causing Starsky some distress, so I decided to back down.

"It's okay, buddy, I'll be outside. You call me if you want me. I'd like to have a word with Vicki anyway."

"Yeah, Hutch. Make sure she's okay, please? I haven't…"

"Relax, she knows you care." With a final glare at the pompous doctor, I left, and sure enough, Vicki was sitting in the waiting room.

"What is it, how is he?"

"Okay, I think. They had to wake him up again, but he seems reasonably coherent. I'm just tired of seein' him hurt, you know?" I started pacing. I knew he'd be okay, but the last few days had taken their toll on me.

"Where's Huggy?" I asked.

"He's gone to find you a hotel room, since he figured you'll be here for awhile."

Vicki looked considerably better than she had before, but I knew we had to talk.

"David is strong, he'll be okay," she said.

"Yeah, he's strong, but you don't understand. He was shot…"

"I do understand, Ken, everything. We've had some long talks."

"Vicki, thanks for calling me." I was tired and worried, but I knew I owed her a great deal.

"I knew it was the right thing to do. He didn't know that I'd called you, but I figured that was best. He was so scared and mixed up, but he's a very special guy."

I smiled, "That he is. I don't understand any of this, Vicki, not really…"

"I'm not sure he does either. I do know he loves you, and he needs you as much as you need him. He just needs to find his feet again and his confidence."

I looked at her, having recognized a note in her voice. "You love him, too, don't you?"

She grimaced. "I love him like a friend, like you do. Why does that surprise you?" There was a note of defiance in her voice, but I decided not to push it. I didn't want to alienate the person who found Starsky for me, and if she didn't want to talk about it, then I'd accept it. I wondered if his feelings for her had changed at all. It was all such a mess.

She must have seen my confusion, for she touched my arm.

"David needs to find himself again, and to work out what he wants to do. He's so muddled at the moment and he needs your understanding and support. I know he'll get that from you. He and I, well, maybe it could have been something once, but our timing has always been out of sync. I'm sort of engaged to someone anyway, and I think now there is no reason for me not to marry him. I guess Lloyd will go to prison for what he did to us and maybe I'll see if Steve is willing to leave Las Vegas. It's going to be hard to start a new life with Lloyd hovering around. He's been a problem in the past, but has never pulled anything like this."

The doctor came out and we looked at him expectantly.

"Mr. Starsky is a lucky man, but he'll need plenty of rest. I'd like to keep him for another twenty-four hours, but then he can go home, provided he has someone to take care of him and prevent him from doing too much. Does he have someone who can look after him when we discharge him?" I looked at Vicki and grinned.

"Yes, Doc, he has people who care about him and who will make sure he takes it easy."


	23. Chapter Twenty Three

CHAPTER 23

Hutch

Starsky was being his usual, stubborn, pig-headed self when it came to staying in the hospital. He didn't want to and he wanted to go home. Now that he was more coherent, he was making that quite clear. He seemed particularly anxious to do so after a long conversation with Vicki. I'd left them alone and watched her leave his room, with tears falling. I knew she loved him and wondered if I should do something to stop her, but I knew she was right. He was in an emotional mess and I couldn't add anything to that confusion. She looked up and walked over to me.

"I've just said goodbye to David. I've quit my dancing job and am going to move to Boulder City with Carrie for the time being. When Steve gets back, we'll decide what to do. She'll need me to help come to terms with what her father has done. Unfortunately, I can't protect her anymore." She paused. "David and me--well, I've realized it's best this way, but I will always love him. Look after him, Ken, and don't let him change."

"Don't let him change"--echoes of words from another woman who'd so loved my partner. But I had let him change, and he'd been drowning and I hadn't seen it.

She touched my face gently. "Don't even go there, Ken. This is not your fault, none of it. I think too much has happened to you both, too soon. He just got lost for awhile, but I'm sure it won't happen again. You know why?" I shook my head. She had a determined air about her that made you listen to what she was saying. I was blown away by this remarkable woman.

"Because he's got a friend like you who'll find him again. You've found each other now, and that's the most important thing." She paused and I realized there was something else she wanted to say.

"Go on, say it, Vicki. You know all our dark secrets now." But she was clearly still troubled.

"I know you're getting married in a few weeks, and I gather there are some issues there. Don't close your heart to either of them. They both love you…"

My face tightened, but not with anger against Vicki, I believed she could shoot me and I wouldn't be angry with her. Not after what she'd done for Starsky.

"I know, Vicki, that Louise loves me in her own way, however, I seriously doubt the wedding's still on. I haven't seen her since I checked out of thehospital. But she's asking me to make a choice and I can't do that. You wouldn't." I looked at her directly and she smiled in acknowledgement.

"No, I wouldn't, but people are different. Maybe she's not the one for you, but don't give up, Ken. Both you and David deserve the best and I want you both to be happy." She kissed me. "I'm going to Boulder City now, and you won't see me before you go. It's best this way."

She turned and I watched her leave. I still wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing in not stopping her, but I needed to see Starsky.

"Hey, buddy, how you doing?"

"Ready to get outta here. Did ya see Vicki?"

"Yeah, just said goodbye to her. How are you feeling?"

He shrugged. "Sometimes I think we could have had something, but I can't make that sort of decision now. I just dunno what I'm gonna do."

"I think it's time we talk, Starsk." He looked at me and nodded. The last few days, we'd just focused on him getting well, but we still had to deal with the issues that had caused him to walk out.

Starsky

I wasn't feeling as well as I would have liked. My head was hurting and I was still a little nauseous, but I wanted to get out of the hospital. I also knew that I owed Hutch explanations--big time. I couldn't go anywhere until the doctor came to see me, so I indicated to Hutch to sit down.

"Hutch, this isn't easy, so please hear me out before going off, okay?"

He nodded, but I could feel his tension, as if he were preparing himself. I studied his face; he was still looking tired, but wasn't as pale and washed out looking as he was when I first saw him. I suspected he still had some pain from the bullet wound, but he wouldn't complain. At least by staying with me at the hospital, he'd managed to get some rest, and I knew that Vicki and Huggy had looked after him.

"I'm sorry that I just walked out like that. I got so scared when I saw you shot and I panicked. All my fears seemed to crowd in on me and I couldn't think. I know it seems crazy, but I realized I couldn't watch you get hurt anymore because of me."

Hutch looked at me directly. "It's the same for me, Starsk. I hate seeing you hurt, but this incident happened because people were after me. You're the one who was caught because they wanted me."

"Yeah, Hutch I do know that, but don't you see, that's the way it is. Lunatics know that the best way to hurt one of us is to get the other. I'm tired, blintz, very tired. I thought I could walk away… I thought it was the best thing to do." I paused, unsure how to continue.

"Tell me honestly, Starsk Did Louise have anything to do with you going?" He looked at me in that direct way he has, and I knew I had to be honest.

"She did blame me, but no more than I blamed myself. I insisted on coming to Vegas on a fool's errand. Bein' bait for some psycho nuts. I would've left anyway, once I knew for sure that you'd be okay. It was my decision, not hers. She didn't say anything to me that I didn't know. Don't you get it? Everything came crashing down around me and I had to get away. I thought it was the best thing for both of us. You've got the chance for a new life, marriage and a family, and it just seemed to me that me hangin' around would jeopardize that. Not because Louise didn't like me, but because you could get yourself killed. I couldn't handle that, you bein' killed before you had a chance at a new life. God, Hutch, you'd be such a great dad. I wanted you to have the life that I can't have." I drew in a shuddering sigh. "Thing is, it wasn't easy. I missed ya, blintz! I kept lookin' for ya and ya weren't there. I dunno what to do. I'm just not sure I can do this anymore but you're… I missed ya." I broke down, realizing nothing was solved.

"What do you mean, a life you can't have? Oh, Starsk, we've got a lot of talking to do. First, you've gotta promise not to disappear on me again. I've been out of my mind."

"I know, you've been lookin' kinda tired. I'm sorry, Hutch. Guess I didn't help your wound any. Is it better,or still giving you trouble?"

"It's okay. It's been better since I've settled down and stopped racing all over the country. You're my best friend, Starsk, and I love ya. I want to help you do whatever you want to do, but please don't shut me out again and for God's sake, don't you walk out on me again. I know how you feel about seeing me hurt, it's the same for me and you know it. Just come home to LA with me and we'll work on the rest. We'll talk about your fears and my fears and we'll sort it out. You gotta realize, Starsk, I had no idea what was going on with you, or how much you were still hurting. I'm sorry about that."

"Don't you go on your guilt trip again, blondie. I'm not sure I realized just how bad I was feelin' either. As I said, it all sorta came crashin' down on me. I do wanna come home, Hutch, I realize that it's just too hard without you, but…"

"One day at a time, Starsk, that's how we'll take it. We'll talk about everything. I won't feel guilty if you promise to talk to me, and not hide things from me any more. Deal?"

"Deal!" He pulled me into a hug, which I returned happily. I knew I still had issues to sort out, well, "we" did anyway. One thing was clear, and that was I didn't have to do it on my own.

Hutch pulled away from me a little and grinned.

"We're in this together, partner. Don't forget it again." I grinned back at him, acknowledging the uncanny echo of my own thoughts. It shouldn't surprise me, but at times it still did, the way we mirrored each other's thoughts.

"I decided to rent a car to get back to LA, so we can take our time and rest on the way," I told him.

"Are you up to drivin'? Dunno that I should be drivin' yet."

"If we take it slow, I am."

"What about Louise?" I so wanted him to be happy and I had a feeling that relationship had fallen apart.

"Haven't seen her, Starsk, but I think it's a safe bet the wedding is off."


	24. Chapter Twenty Four

A/N: Thank you for your kind reviews. I am glad you enjoyed the story and do thank you for your encouragement.

It's an old story of mine which was one of the last S&H stories I wrote before getting discouraged with it all. I'm not sure why I decided to repost but I don't regret it. The story may seem to finish quickly and this is because I had always planned a Changes III. It was always going to be a trilogy and to me it made sense to end the stories where I did. The third story is going to continue immediately on with their return to LA. To date, this third story has not been finished but it is planned for the future!

For Macartney who asked about the cult plot, I have written a series of stories about Simon Marcus which covers this aspect. For this particular story I decided not to go that way, for I wanted to keep it quite different to the Marcus stories I had written. I used the issue to simply cause our boys more angst! Anyway, I do plan on reposting most of my old S&H stories and I'm sure the Marcus stories will appear!

CHAPTER 24 (Final)

Hutch

I helped Starsky out to our rented car. I'd hoped this was a good idea, but I knew we could take our time. My wound was still a little painful but I wanted to do this, I knew it was the best thing for both of us. Time together--uninterrupted--was what we needed. Time to fight Starsky's demons and try to sort him out again. The doctors had given strict instructions for him to take it easy and to beware of more headaches, but I figured we could take it slow and rest, and it would give us time that we both needed to start communicating again. We still had a lot to talk about, and I liked the idea of a leisurely drive back to LA. Huggy had flown back a day earlier, so we were on our own. I was still struggling with recent events, and was only glad to see that my Starsky was back. A battered and tired Starsky, but the light was back in his eyes. A light that I now realized had been missing for months. Hospital regulations insisted that he leave the hospital in a wheelchair, and he was complaining bitterly as we made our way out of the building. The nurse and I were laughing at one of his complaints about the hospital food, when something caught my eye and I looked up to see Louise standing at the door. Starsky looked at me and whispered to the nurse. They both left me alone with my fiancée, ex-fiancée, whatever.

"Ken! How could you do this to me? We were to be married next week!"

"Louise, it would never work. Don't blame Starsky for it, it isn't his fault. I don't like being manipulated or cornered and you've been trying to do both. I'm my own man and I choose my friends." As I spoke I realized that any feelings I'd had for her were quite gone and I felt relief.

I tried to explain. "Maybe this was my fault, too. I shouldn't have become involved with you, not at this time. Another friend said it right, 'we were never in sync'. I don't think we were either. I was shattered by almost losing Starsky and you were there. I'm sorry, Louise. I never meant to hurt you, or to use you."

"You did hurt me, Ken Hutchinson. I've never loved anyone as much as I loved you. I still think we could have made a go of it without your partner. But you'll always choose him over me, so what can I do? No woman can come between you two."

"It was never a competition. I had room in my heart for both of you, but you've forced me to make a choice. I am truly sorry for that because I've spent my life rebelling against my family's wishes and desires for me. I had a miserable marriage with Vanessa who thought she could control me, too. Starsky loves and accepts me for who I am and doesn't try to change me. I do believe that we'll both marry and have families one day--for a woman who truly loves one of us, will accept the other. I know it's odd and we're closer than most friends, but you see, Louise, we've known women like that. Gillian, my girlfriend who was killed, Terry, who was Starsky's lady and was killed, and another brave and beautiful woman who I won't name. So don't try to spread your ill wishes and tell me that we won't find someone. We will and I believe that. If we don't, well there's the me and thee family and that's helped us through plenty of crap." I found myself working up into a rage. As she stood there, I saw not Louise, but a mixture of my parents and Vanessa. It was time to go home.

"Goodbye, Louise. Keep the ring." I walked out toward the car where my partner was waiting for me.

End


End file.
